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Forty-Three

Just to bring you all up to date, I turned 43 a little over a month ago.

Friends and long-time readers know that I don’t especially enjoy my birthdays. Not anymore. I used to. My old photo albums are full of pics of me holding up the latest cake designs for the camera and looking happy. I used to anticipate the landmark rite-of-passage-type birthdays as eagerly as any kid ever followed an advent-calendar countdown to Christmas: becoming a teenager at 13, getting my driver’s license at 16, adulthood at 18, finally able to buy booze — legally, that is — at 21. For some reason, I recall 25 was kind of a big deal too… my silver anniversary, I guess. I had a quarter-century behind me and the main engines were still burning, all systems nominal.

Then something changed. I started having a problem with birthdays when I reached my thirties. And they got to be really difficult for me when I hit 40. Other people tell me they see birthdays a chance to celebrate life, or at least a good excuse to have a party. But for me they have become depressing reminders of time lost… no, time wasted… and dreams unfulfilled.

As I wrote on the occasion of last year’s birthday, “there’s just too much baggage now, too many disappointments and regrets. Too much understanding that a single lifetime isn’t enough for all the things you want to do, and if you avoid making tough choices when you’re young — as I did — you might not get the chance to do some of them.” Since turning 40, I’ve also realized, as I further elaborated at the beginning of this year, “that while there may always be possibilities — as Mr. Spock so frequently counseled us back in the days when Star Trek was relevant — the probabilities of a great many things are shrinking for me.” Pretty hard to party hearty with that sobering truth lingering in the back of your head, isn’t it?

It probably doesn’t help that my birthday falls around back-to-school time, with  all the bittersweet memories and melancholic feelings that stirs up, and the waning sensations of summer to amplify the sensation of time slipping away.

And yet, strangely enough given all the discontent and self-loathing that usually accompanies this annual observance of my failure to live up to my potential, this year’s birthday… wasn’t bad. Certainly it arrived with considerably less sense of utter defeat than in years past. Maybe I’m just becoming resigned to middle age, irrelevance, and mediocrity. But it’s also entirely possible that my forty-third trip around the sun was so traumatic that the formal demarcation of its end might have come as more of a relief than a reckoning. Seriously, the past 12 months have been… well, they’ve been something, that’s for sure.

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UPDATE: I found an intact copy of this complete entry and have reposted it elsewhere. See: “Forty-Three” Restored!

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This Makes Me Happy

No introduction necessary, just watch:

I didn’t know flashmobs were even still a thing. And my reaction is probably amplified by my recognizing the location… I’ve been there! It’s the market street in Koln — or, as we Americans would say, Cologne — Germany.

This whole thing simply made me smile.

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So Just How Big Is a Space Shuttle Anyhow?

That’s a question The Girlfriend has repeatedly asked me in the last few years, since the impending end of the shuttle program revived my boyhood obsession with these vehicles. But no matter what statistics or comparisons I’ve thrown out in reply — 78-foot wingspan, about the same overall size as a DC-9 airliner — she just hasn’t been to get a handle on it. And I imagine she’s not alone in this… a big spacecraft is just too outside her usual frames of reference, and it’s tough to imagine the scale of something you’ve never stood beside. But I think I may have found a visual aid that will finally put it all in perspective for her and all the rest of my Loyal Readers who just can’t quite grok the size of the thing we used to throw up into space on a somewhat regular schedule:

space-shuttle-endeavor_los-angeles-streetThat’s the Endeavour, of course, seen Friday during her 12-mile parade through Los Angeles on her way from LAX to the California Science Center. Moving the big old girl has taken a bit longer than originally planned, due to obstacles along the way. Reportedly there have been places where her wingtips came within inches of trees or utility poles. But the last I heard, she was within sight of her new home and continuing to inch her way along, with thousands of people out to see the spectacle of a retired spacecraft rolling down city streets.

Not to be cynical, but I wonder how many of those folks showed equal enthusiasm for the shuttles while they were still flying…

Photo credit: Walter Scriptunas II/Spaceflight Now; taken from here.

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And the World Keeps Moving On…

About an hour’s drive northeast of Salt Lake, high in the mountains above Ogden City, you’ll find a sleepy little burg called Huntsville, Utah. The surrounding hillsides are dotted with summer homes and vacation cabins, and signs near Pineview Reservoir — the pocket-sized lake that defines the town’s western edge — excitedly proclaim the coming of beachfront condos, leaving little doubt that this bucolic hamlet is going to end up as just another anonymous bedroom community before too many more years pass. But for now, at least, cows still graze contentedly at the roadside, and traffic along the main drag through town frequently bogs down behind slow-moving tractors and combines. It’s a great place to escape to for an afternoon; The Girlfriend and I have been going up there at least once a summer for over a decade now.

We drive the old two-lane highways, enjoying fresh mountain air with the top down, and once we get there, we always enjoy lunch at a quirky little bar called the Shooting Star Saloon, which claims to be the oldest continuously operating tavern in the state. (I’ll write more about that place some other time.) But before we go for Star Burgers and beer, we like to stop into the monastery nestled against the mountains on the other side of town.

Yes, believe it or not, there is a Catholic monastery in Mormon-dominated Utah. The Abbey of Our Lady of the Holy Trinity was founded in 1947 by Trappist monks, who set up housekeeping in several World War II-surplus Quonset huts with plans to build more permanent structures sometime in the future. It never happened. The whitewashed humps of the Quonsets are still there, shaded by trees that have grown tall and grand in the last 65 years. But the monks have made do, as their kind does, and their abbey, surrounded by a buffering ring of farmland, is a lovely green respite from the outside world.

I don’t recall how or when I first heard about the abbey. It may have been back in college, when stories went around of a place where young men could go for a few days when they needed to clear their heads. Many a time, I considered taking one of those retreats myself, when the weight of everything I was going through with classes and girls and growing up got to be too much. But I always chickened out. Not being religious, let alone Catholic, it didn’t seem like the best fit, no matter how alluring the idea of unplugging from the world and spending some time just thinking may have been. It felt like I would’ve been taking unfair advantage of someone’s hospitality. At some point, though, I learned about the honey, produced by the monks themselves from hives they kept on the grounds and sold through a tiny gift shop they maintained near their chapel. And that was what finally convinced me to go for a visit.

It turned out you could buy a lot of goods made by the monks in that shop — honey in various flavors and consistencies, bread, oatmeal — as well as St. Christopher medals and holy water that would be blessed for you on the spot, and books and rosaries and candles and other goods of interest to Catholics. I never purchased any of those items, naturally, but I brought home lots of honey over the years, and I sampled the oatmeal, too — simple, coarse stuff, very unlike machine-made Quaker Oats. Often times, I bought more than I needed, so much that it would take me a couple years to get through it all, but I liked the idea that I was supporting a unique local industry. And it really was good honey, which helped.

Anne and I somehow missed going to Huntsville last year. Not sure why; just busy I guess. A few weeks ago, we decided on the spur of the moment that we were long overdue and it was time to re-affirm our tradition. It was my birthday, as it happens, and it was a glorious day, the kind I love, when the sky is like a hard crystal dome arching impossibly high above you and the air is so clear it seems to sparkle a little. For the first time in several years, I was not crashingly depressed by the thought of making another orbit around the sun. I wasn’t thinking much about the passage of time at all, in fact… until we stepped into the little gift shop by the chapel at the Abbey of Our Lady of the Holy Trinity and saw that there was no honey on display. No oatmeal or bread, either. In fact, the only food for sale was some caramels, made by nuns in a convent in another state. Puzzled, I turned to the monk sitting near the cash register and politely waited for him to set aside his reading.

“Do you not carry the honey anymore?” I asked.

The father looked at me through pale, watery eyes, and smiled ruefully. “No,” he said, “I’m afraid we sold the last of it sometime last year. Brother So-and-So has gotten too old to care for the hives, you see, and he has no one to help.”

“That’s a shame,” I said. It suddenly occurred to me that this man — whom I’m certain I’ve encountered before on my annual visits, many times — suddenly appeared to be much smaller and more frail than I remembered.

“Our average age now is 82,” the monk continued. “There are only 18 of us left, and two of us are in a nursing home. So you understand we’ve had to make some changes.”

I found myself apologizing to the monk, although I don’t know what for. Skipping the prior year’s visitation, perhaps, and feeling like I’d come too late. Or perhaps I felt sympathy for the man’s advancing age and obvious physical deterioration. Maybe I was thinking of the articles I’ve read about the Catholic Church’s inability to attract young men to the clergy anymore, signifying the decline of this gentle man’s whole way of life. Maybe I was just sorry to realize that this unique gem of my home state probably doesn’t have much longer before it gets subdivided, too. I bought a candle and some caramels for Anne, to soothe my own feelings as much as the monk’s, and then we drove to the Shooting Star, where I drank a couple glasses of Coors Light and pondered the unfair cruelty of a world where men can work hard at building something for six and a half decades, only to find at the end of their lives that no one is interested in continuing their legacies after they’ve gone. That all their efforts ultimately amounted to nothing. I’m sure the monks wouldn’t see their lives as exercises in futility; I’m not sure I could see my own in any other way, were I in their shoes.

For the record, I still have one cup of “Trappist Honey” left in my kitchen pantry. Brandy flavored. It’s pretty old, but I don’t think honey goes bad, does it? I intend to try it before too much longer, and to use it up if it hasn’t gone rancid. And once it’s gone, I’ll clean out the cup — or at least the lid — and carefully store it in the Bennion Archives. Another souvenir of another thing that once mattered to me, and is — or at least soon will be — no more…

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Wait… I Need That!

tron_sark_power-cyclesSo you remember in the original TRON when the Master Control Program threatens his lackey Sark by “slowing down his power cycles?” Yeah, I don’t really know exactly what that means either… but I think it just might be a pretty good description of what’s going on with my brain this afternoon. Like all my mental gears are… getting… gummy…

Man, I hate these days when the workflow is unrelenting, and everything is urgent… and then you have several of those in a row, and a long-range forecast of many more to come, and it all has a cumulative effect… somebody just de-rez me now, won’t you?

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Mornings Are the Worst

If you’ve been a fan of any of the sitcoms produced by Chuck Lorre over the past 15 years — Dharma & Greg, Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory, or Mike & Molly — you probably know about Lorre’s “vanity card,” i.e., the screen that comes up at the very end of the show’s closing credits. Most vanity cards are just a logo of some kind for the show’s production company, sometimes involving a little animation or brief film clip; think of MTM’s cute little kitty, or JJ Abrams’ Bad Robot, or “Sit, Ubu, Sit,” that sort of thing. But at some point, Lorre started doing something different, using his card almost as a sort of blog on which he posts little essays, makes observations on life, cracks jokes, or, most famously (and stupidly, from a legal standpoint), shot off his mouth about the troubles Charlie Sheen was giving him during Sheen’s infamous psychological disintegration. The cards aren’t on-screen long enough to actually read them, but that’s part of the fun. You have to record them (or watch the DVD) and freeze-frame them in order to catch the complete content. Back when Lorre first started doing this on Dharma & Greg in the late ’90s, it felt like an almost-underground “cool kids only” kind of thing that not many people even knew about; nowadays, of course, it’s a built-in part of Lorre’s brand, an expected schtick, and all his “postings” are easily available online. The cards have gone mainstream, man, so of course they’re not as cool anymore…

Anyhow, the Girlfriend and I have recently gotten hooked on The Big Bang Theory — that’s a development I probably ought to discuss in its own entry — and we’ve been binging the last few weeks on the DVD sets for the first four seasons. And after each and every episode, we pause the playback and read the vanity card. Most of them are ephemeral, a momentary amusement that’s forgotten within seconds as we forge ahead into the next episode. But there was one I spotted over the weekend that perfectly suited the mood I’ve been in lately, and some of the things I was getting in my previous entry on my semi-annual frustration. I thought I’d share it here, faithfully copied from Lorre’s own archive so I get it right:

Mornings are the worst. The mind seems undefended, easy prey for both memories and imagination. What happened. What should’ve happened. What might happen someday. Your fault, my fault, no one’s fault. The only way to relieve the torment is to get up, empty the bladder, drink the coffee, read the paper, run the treadmill, perform the animal sacrifice, paint the chicken blood on the groin and call upon the demonic spirits to bring you back.

 

Nights are bad too. Once again, exhaustion makes the mind vulnerable to obsessing over woulda, shoulda, coulda. The only thing to do is sit alone and eat the chicken which was senselessly murdered in the morning.

Mmm, murdered chicken. Pass the barbecue sauce, please…

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No, I’m Not Dead

Not that I’d blame you for assuming so, given the utter paucity of activity around here lately. Remember when this blog was a happening place and jasonbennion.com was on the verge of exploding into a world-dominating brand that would be spoken of in the farthest corners of the InterWebs for years to come? No? Me neither. Even so, I deeply regret that I’m no longer able to find the time or energy to blog regularly. It’s been long enough since my last entry, for example, that there are probably virtual tumbleweeds blowing down the main street of downtown Simple Tricks, or at least there would be if we experienced cyberspace as an actual environment with “buildings” and such, the way William Gibson first imagined it way back in the ’80s. Not to put too melodramatic a spin on the situation, but with the slow diminishing of my output here, I honestly feel like the last vestige of my self-identity as a writer — a notion I’ve carried around since the eighth grade, more or less — is finally slipping through my fingers. But then I’ve been thinking lately that a lot of things I used to take for granted are slipping away…

Eh, don’t mind me. I’ve just entered another one of those periodic phases when it feels like somebody’s cranked the treadmill up to 11 and my limbs are flopping around like the Wizard of Oz‘s Scarecrow doing a jig, and I’m about three steps away from losing my footing and going flat on my face. If you’ve been paying attention, you’ve probably noticed this happens every year around this time. The production cycle at my dayjob always picks up toward the end of summer, leading to days (and occasional late nights) of constant, urgent activity that leave me utterly drained. It’s just dumb, bad luck that this uptick coincides with my annual melancholy over my birthday and the changing of the season; the slightly frantic feeling I get as I try to cram in a last few summertime activities while the weather holds; the nagging disappointment in myself for things I should’ve done when I was young and now fear I never will; and of course that weird, rootless sensation I still experience, even after all two and a half decades away from it, because it’s time to be heading back to school and I’m not going. You stir all this together and you end up with a big old bowl of frustration and sadness.

Maybe I wouldn’t have such a hard time with all this stuff if it didn’t seem like so many of my friends and coworkers are privy to some secret that’s apparently been denied me. They all have jobs and commutes and obligations, too, and yet somehow they also manage to keep their houses clean and cook fabulous meals and host parties and exercise and enjoy hobbies and participate in causes. They find the time to go back to school and garden and make things, and some of them — many of them — create art or play a musical instrument or become highly skilled in some craft. Sometimes all of the above. They’re interesting people who appear to be living good lives. Oh, and some of them are even raising kids. And still they manage to pull it all together. Compared to them, I’m a tremendous failure at this life thing.

Hell, I can’t even keep the kitchen sink free of dirty dishes, let alone accomplish anything really worthwhile. I haven’t written fiction in longer than I care to admit. I haven’t yet sorted or posted the photographs from my Hawaiian cruise clear back in February… or any of my other trips for the last several years. The Girlfriend has been living with me for eight months and we still haven’t gotten all of her stuff out of the storage unit we rented in January. I have a list of half-finished projects as long as my forearm, some of them dating back to the mid-90s. Oh, and that movie I mentioned in the last entry, Son of Kong? That was the first feature-length DVD I’ve managed to get through in a single sitting in months. And it’s only 70 minutes long! So much for my hobby as the great film buff.

When I think about all these things, then consider how many of my days consist only of commuting to my dayjob, working my dayjob, traveling home from my dayjob, eating dinner, and collapsing for the night without managing to get a damn thing done for myself… well, I just can’t believe it’s like this for everyone. I’m doing something wrong, but I’m damned if I can figure out what it is. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just plain damned.

So, yeah, not dead yet… but I’m not sure you can really call this living, either…

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Of Course, It’s Ironic…

…that I set up dlvr.it today in order to push notifications of new blog entries all over the place when I’m currently doing such a lousy job of actually writing new blog entries. Sigh. In lieu of any actual new content, please enjoy this somewhat-relevant musical trifle:

 

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Road Rage: A Case Study

FAIR WARNING TO MY MORE SENSITIVE READERS: The following entry recounts something deeply unpleasant that happened to me a few nights ago. I posted a highly condensed form of this story already on my Facebook page, but it’s still bothering me, and I want to discuss it in more detail. And — here’s where the warning comes in — I’ve chosen to render it as accurately as my fallible, sleep-deprived, middle-aged human memory permits, which means I’m not going to pull any punches in the foul language department. I’m not talking the little four-letter swears we all learned in the third grade, either. No, this story involves the big two-dollar vulgarities, the kind that start fistfights (as, indeed, they were intended to here), as well as the unsavory spectacle of a couple of grown men acting like ten-year-olds. I’m not proud of my own role in this nastiness, even though I was just giving back what I got. The whole thing actually shook me pretty hard, which is why I’m still thinking about it three days later, and why I’m going to blog about it now. Anyhow, yeah… nasty words and poor behavior below the fold. Consider yourself warned.

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