Star Wars

Truly Awful Star Wars Collectibles

On a somewhat less curmudgeonly note (and just in case I needed a reminder that not everything from the years of my youth was all that cool), check out this list of really lame vintage Star Wars doo-dads. You gotta wonder what some of these designers were thinking. Did they really think they had a hit on their hands? Or did they just want five o’clock to hurry the hell up so they could get down to the local dive?

For the record, I own only one of these items, a copy of the infamous Wookiee Christmas tune. It’s never been played, at least not by me…

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Monday Afternoon Amusements

Without preamble, the items that have distracted me from work this afternoon:

  • Darth Vader’s advanced-design TIE Fighter from the original Star Wars film, rendered in gingerbread.
  • Scrolling images of Earth’s surface as photographed by the Landsat satellites. (Nod to Phil at Bad Astronomy for bringing this to my attention.)
  • Good news: the Jones Soda Company (previously mentioned on this blog here, here, and here) has announced that it will discontinue using high-fructose corn syrup in its products in favor of cane sugar. I personally believe that the food industry’s switch to cheap HFCS back in the ’80s is a major component of why Americans are getting so damned fat — if you read the nutritional labels, the crap is in frakkin’ everything these days — and real sugar tastes better anyway. Don’t believe me? Then do a taste-test of this stuff versus the “mainstream” Dr. Pepper made with corn syrup.
    Now, if only we could get the original-formula, made-with-sugar Coke that I remember drinking as a kid. Preferably in a glass bottle. It always tasted better in the glass bottle…

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We’re Going to Have Company

‘Tis the season when neighbors “drop by” unexpectedly and out-of-town friends plan to visit for the weekend. You’d better be prepared for their arrival. Make sure your speakers are on before you click the link…

(Props to Brian Greenberg, who e-mailed this amusing little tidbit and provided me with a good laugh following a really lousy morning commute.)

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Vintage Star Wars Interview

I’m sure everybody out there is glued to the TV waiting for election returns, but just in case you need a break from the grim spectacle of our political process, check out this precious artifact from a simpler time:

It’s a wonderful reminder that Star Wars used to be a movie instead of a franchise, that the droids were once considered the central characters of the story, and that people simply loved it instead of wanting to analyze and debate it to death. It amuses me to no end that Gene Shalit compares it to Rocky and predicts that it will be “one of the biggest money-making movies of our time.” If only he knew.

Oh, yeah, that little princess girl was really cute back then, too.

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Carrie Fisher’s Likeness

Carrie Fisher was on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson last night. For my money, Ferguson is the best late-night talk-show host we’ve got — Letterman and Leno are both way past their sell-bys, and I have never really warmed to Kimmel or Conan. Craig, though, is a hoot with his self-deprecating streak and naughty attitude, and Carrie is much the same; put the two of them together, and it’s guaranteed entertainment. Most of last night’s segment consisted of Craig giving her a bad time for having played Princess Leia in Star Wars and how, 30 years later, that’s still what she’s best known for. Carrie gave as good as she got, though; her funniest line, and the one I want to share with you now, was this:

George [Lucas] owns my likeness, you know. That means everytime I look in the mirror I have to send him a couple of bucks.

Ah, good times, although I imagine Carrie’s delivery is better than mine. If I can find a video clip, I’ll post it up…

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Joke to Start the Week

My good friend Cranky Robert, having read of the general suckiness of my life last week, has resorted to heroic measures to try and lift my spirits (in other words, he e-mailed me a joke):

Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you’re getting for Christmas.
Luke: Oh yeah? How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents.

Yeah, I know, it’s a groaner, but it had exaxctly the effect Robert was going for: I laughed and smiled for what seems like the first time in days. Hope everyone else enjoys it, too.

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Life Imitates Star Wars… Coooooooool!

Tatooine vaporator

Any Star Wars fan worth his shipment of spice will, of course, recognize the tall, white object in the photo above: it’s a moisture vaporator, a marvelous machine that pulls fresh water out of the very air and enables human life to survive on the desert planet Tatooine. Nifty idea, but it’s just science fiction, right?

Apparently not… Wired.com is reporting that a company called Aqua Sciences has developed a machine that does exactly what Uncle Owen’s condensor units supposedly did, and cheaply to boot (about 25 cents to the gallon, according to the company’s website). Naturally, the first customer is the Pentagon, which has long sought a way to keep U.S. troops easily supplied with a sustainable water source while operating in arid places like Iraq.

The company spokesman quoted in the article is coy about how the thing works — it’s apparently got something to do with salt — but the gadget is described as a “20-foot machine [that] can churn out 600 gallons of water a day without using or producing toxic materials and byproducts.” In addition, the machine is not dependent on humidity, like other types of condensation-type technology. Very cool… the only thing I find disappointing is that the actual units look more like ordinary reefer trailers than anything Luke Skywalker ever tinkered with. Ah, well… that’s the curse of being a science-fiction fan, I guess: nothing ever looks as cool when it’s finally invented for real as it did when it was imagined in the movies.

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Monday Afternoon Star Wars-related Silliness

FYI, I had some weird Internet problems all weekend, so I was unable to post several political entries that I had in mind as follow-ups to the previous one, or to respond to the comments left on “Disgusted” until this morning. I’m thinking that’s just as well; I really don’t want to continue mulling such an incredibly depressing and dangerous development when there’s so damn little I can do about it personally. At least until election day, when I’ll make my usual futile gesture in the name of good conscience (i.e., voting blue in the most overwhemingly red state in the union; it’s like spitting into the wind, but I’ll do it anyhow).

In the meantime, let us think of more amusing things. Things like a list of the Top 176 Star Wars Lines Improved By Replacing A Word With “Pants”. As you can imagine, many of these have naughty overtones, and a few cross the line into outright tastelessness, but hey, there’s nothing wrong with that, right? Here are a few of my favorite examples:

  • “Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.”
    (Hmm… talk about taking your friends everywhere with you.)
  • “I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.”
    (I can see how that might be a distraction.)
  • “I sense the conflict within you. Let go of your pants!”
    (What every teenage boy says to his girlfriend at least once in the course of their relationship. Most often heard at drive-in movie theaters midway through the second feature.)
  • “I think you just can’t bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your pants.”
    (Aww, how endearing.)
  • “Alderaan is peaceful, we have no pants!”
    (Ah, yes, Alderaan was a happy place back in the day.)

The number-one item on the list is, predictably, “I find your lack of pants disturbing.”

Indeed we do. Indeed. We do.

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The Digital Bits on the New Star Wars DVDs

For anyone out there who is thinking of purchasing the new “Limited Edition” Star Wars trilogy set in order to get the original, unaltered theatrical versions of those classic films on DVD — and really, what other reason would you have for buying, yet again, these three films that we all have 20 copies of already — consider the following:

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