Gripes and Grumbles

How Things Change

Somewhat related to the previous entry (well, they both involve music, nostalgia, and grumpy old man-ism, at least), Lileks related a story today about his encounter at his local coffee house with one of those Damn Kids™ I’m always grumbling about. Here’s his comment about the young lady’s ignorance of “99 Luftballons,” the infectious ’80s classic about an accidental nuclear exchange (ah, the Cold War… those were the days!):

Kids today. No respect for kids of yesterday. Thing is, we were required to know every fargin’ thing about the 60s when we were coming up, being schooled in the ways of the Most Important Musical Genre Ever. You were required to nod at your elder and respect their sage ways, and thus I found myself in a few dorm rooms listening to peers explain why Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young, Reefer and Cocaine were incredible not just for their harmony and song-writing skills, but their ability to make music that [went] on longer than three minutes. To which you could only say: may all your girlfriends take “Love the One You’re With” to heart everytime you’re out of town.

Lileks’ real point here is, of course, less about the kids of today than his own resentment toward the ’60s — he strikes me as a man who is convinced that everything went Horribly Wrong long about 1967 and it’s only gotten worse since then; come to think of it, that’s not entirely incorrect, depending on how you look at it — but he touches on something I’ve considered myself from time to time, which is the way Boomer culture has always dominated the conversation and how people my age dealt with it, and more importantly (to me, anyhow) how that’s different from the way kids these days deal with my generation’s culture.

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Defeated

DSC_0057, originally uploaded by jason.bennion.

Want to know how to ruin a beautiful springtime Sunday afternoon? How about having someone back into your Mustang and bugger up pretty much the entire passenger side? Yeah, that’ll do it…

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Crappity-crap Crap Crap Crap…

So, I met with my tax preparer this morning, and, well, the results weren’t pretty. Let’s just say that if I ever try to offer you financial advice, you’d be wise to simply smile, pat me on the head, and back away slowly.

Afterward, as if I hadn’t been demoralized enough by getting a thorough bitch-slapping from Uncle Sam, I headed over to Fashion Place Mall to buy a belt. I wasn’t looking for anything fancy or wanting to make a statement, I just needed something to hold up my pants. Should’ve been a snap, in and out in ten minutes, right? One would think so. One would be quite wrong.

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People Annoy Me

If you drive due west from Salt Lake City, past the Great Salt Lake and out across the West Desert, you’ll arrive in an hour or two — depending on how heavy your right foot happens to be — at a dusty outpost town called Wendover. Well, technically you’ll find two Wendovers out that way, because the town straddles the Utah-Nevada border. On the Nevada side, a handful of casinos and other, ahem, adult businesses lend West Wendover a certain glitz and affluence. Wendover, Utah, on the other hand, is much quieter, darker, and sadder, a fading remnant of more important days.

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You Can’t Expect Historical Accuracy from a Video Game, I Guess

The other night, I dined alone at a local greasy spoon called Johanna’s Kitchen before meeting a friend to see the new Bond movie. I don’t often get the chance to just hang out on my own like that anymore, so I relish the experience when it presents itself. I sat at the counter like I remember the old guys doing when I was a kid, I indulged in some fine people-watching, and I savored every last bite of a mushroom-Swiss burger the size of my head.

This being the 21st Century and all, there was of course a flat-screen TV mounted above the counter. Normally, I hate that, because public TVs are almost inevitably tuned to some sporting event, and I don’t care one bit about sports. In fact, I find the screaming crowds and over-excited announcers to be downright bad for my digestion. Thankfully (and unexpectedly), this TV was set to the History Channel, specifically a documentary about the Battle of Gettysburg, so I found myself enjoying occasional buzzes of recognition whenever the camera lingered on a place I recall from my Gettysburg trip earlier this year. I just love those moments when I’m able to point at a TV screen and exclaim, “Hey, I’ve been there!” But that’s kind of beside the point of this post.

Getting at last to my point, during each commercial break in the program, there was an ad for a Civil War-themed video game. (Gotta love that synergy!) The sound was down low, so the first time the ad ran, I wasn’t certain I’d heard the voiceover correctly. I paid closer attention on the next break, and sure enough, the narration said exactly what I thought it said the first time. While a computer-generated man in a blue wool coat and a forage cap runs around the screen carrying a musket, a deep, “movie-trailer-guy” type voice breathlessly proclaims, “These are the missions that flew under the radar!”
Does anyone notice anything… odd… about that particular metaphor being used in conjunction with a game set in the 1860s? Or is it just me? Think about it…

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Another Episode of the Utah Follies

Nothing irritates me faster or more thoroughly than when some finger-wagging scold takes it upon themselves to save the rest of the community from the creeping stain of immorality instead of simply minding their own damn business and letting others go about theirs. This sort of thing, unfortunately, goes on all the time here in my home state, something which I’ve been depressingly aware of since I was a fairly young boy. Not a month goes by, it seems, without a letter-to-the-editor from some ninny who thinks the windows of Victoria’s Secret ought to be painted black, or news of yet another effort to “simplify” Utah’s ridiculously arcane liquor laws. Just this week, I’ve encountered two major eye-rollers from the front lines of the never-ending culture war:

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Public Service Announcement

Be warned. The Girlfriend and I spotted Halloween decorations at Costco yesterday. Let me repeat that: Halloween decorations. In August. A full week before Labor Day. And not just any old rubber-bat or paper-skeleton-style Halloween decorations, but light-up inflatable lawn displays like those obnoxious things that have been so popular at Christmas time for the last couple of years. And they have an audio component, too, stereotypically spooky sounds like screams, blowing wind, creaking doors, and, of course, John Carpenter’s Halloween theme. Oy.

All Hallow’s Eve is my favorite holiday, but I don’t want to think about it this early, not before Labor Day, and ideally not before October 1st. I also don’t want to think about Christmas in September or Valentine’s Day in January. I have a theory that part of the reason why it seems like time moves so quickly these days and everybody’s so stressed and feeling like they just can’t catch up is because of crap like this. The retail industry seems to be increasingly out of sync with the actual seasons of the year, and thanks to their shopping “seasons,” we consumers are, too. You can’t buy a swimsuit in July because the back-to-school stuff is already on the shelves, and you can’t get a new coat during the deep-freeze days toward the end of January because the spring lines are coming out, and we’re expected to be worrying about Halloween before the pumpkins mature and Christmas while there’s still leaves on the trees. Basically, the sales pitches insist that we always be looking ahead instead of enjoying the now, and the time between the advance sales and the calendar seasons seems to grow wider and wider every year. It makes me crazy…

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Loose Definitions

I was just standing in line over at the grocery store and I noticed that they had 2GB USB flash drives on sale there at the cash register, right alongside the gum and lip balm and all the impulse-buy crap that you usually see in the grocery store checkout lane. For a moment, I was charmed by this spectacle — how unspeakably science-fiction-y and cool is that you can now get computer memory devices at the same neighborhood store where my mom used to buy me Idaho Spud candy bars in the far-off days of childhood? (Well, technically it’s not the same neighborhood store — the grocer built himself a new and improved building about fifteen years ago — but you get what I mean.) And that buying these things isn’t any big deal? They’re not down a special aisle or kept locked behind the service counter or anything, they’re just hanging there with the ChapStick, as innocuous as disposable lighters and People magazine.

But then I noticed this thing was called the JetFlash Classic. Classic? I think not. The term “classic” is something usually reserved for objects that have stood the test of time and are widely seen as the apotheosis of that category of objects. Levi’s 501s are classic. A ’57 Chevy Bel Air is a classic. But a flash drive? How long have flash drives been around anyway? Has there ever been anything that qualifies as an iconic, perfected flash drive design? No, there have been dozens of different looks for flash drives since they became widely available just a short handful of years ago, and none of them had a look that I think anyone would call definitive. They can (and do) look like anything from suppositories to humping toy dogs. And do we even know that flash drives will still be around in another five or ten years, or will something else replace them and they’re destined to end up about as classic as five-inch flop disks? How the hell can you call anything “classic” under those conditions?

You can’t. It’s all about marketing and branding. I get so tired of marketing and branding and the way perfectly good language gets warped to sell things that would probably sell just fine without giving them labels they haven’t earned. Words matter, but people don’t believe they do… and that makes me sigh and grumble under my breath like all the other grumpy old men who’re pissed that the world doesn’t run according to their watches…

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Written on an Etch-a-Sketch

Sean Means, who has assumed the mantle of “culture vulture” in addition to his usual movie-critic role at the Salt Lake Tribune, made a nice observation today in response to the news that yet another venerable SL institution, Squirrel Brothers Ice Cream (which used to be Snelgrove’s, before it was infected with the “cutesy name syndrome” that runs rampant in this state), is closing down:

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I’m Not Old, You Little Whippersnapper…

Okay, I’m officially tired of summer. That didn’t take long, did it? Blame a crowded, sweltering train ride into town this morning.

Of course, my sour mood wasn’t helped by the nicely dressed, very young man — did I mention he was very young? — who offered me his seat so I didn’t have to stand in the aisle. He insisted upon me taking his seat, actually, despite my polite refusals. I don’t quite understand his zeal considering that I am not (a) visibly disabled, (b) grotesquely overweight, or (c) all that old. I may have some gray in my beard, but give me a break, kid. Those Foundation for a Better Life PSAs are maybe a little too effective…

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