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Friday Evening Videos: “Authority Song”

I know, I know. It’s Sunday night, not Friday. But I intended to post this on Friday, I just didn’t get around to it….

So, anyhow, I had a couple of bad experiences at work last week, the kind of demoralizing, infuriating things that make you feel beaten down and not at all respected, and which leave you wondering what the hell is the point of continuing to bash your head against this brick anyhow? Believe me, I am not whining when I say that “proofreader” is probably the most thankless job in my entire industry. And yet come tomorrow morning I know I’m going to get up and ride that damn light-rail train into downtown and be at my desk ready to do it all over again. Because that’s just the way it is. And that reality makes me think that this little ditty must surely be my theme song, at least when it comes to matters of work:

John Mellencamp — or John Cougar Mellencamp, as he was known when he recorded this song for his 1983 album Uh-Huh — has never exactly been a favorite of mine. That is, if you asked me to name my favorite musicians, I probably wouldn’t think to add his name to the list. He’s always struck me as a little too dour, a little too self-important for my tastes. He comes across to me as something of a dick, to be frank. And yet, when I run down his discography, it turns out he’s recorded a tremendous amount of music that I’ve liked, and which has formed the background soundtrack for a big chunk of my life. Including, obviously, “The Authority Song,” his own take on the rebellious theme of the Bobby Fuller classic “I Fought the Law.” Like the latter, “Authority Song” is upbeat and infectious, while wryly observing that there’s not much the little guy can do to counter the power of The Man. And yet, like the song’s smart-ass narrator, you fight on anyhow, because the struggle is the thing that counts, not the victory.

The tune reached number 15 on the Billboard charts. I think I read somewhere that Mellencamp refuses to play it at his live shows anymore because he’s too old to relate to the song’s youthful sentiment. Whatever. Mellencamp may be old and settled, but “I fight authority, authority always wins” sounds like the story of my life, even as I push on into middle age…

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I Knew Her When, Part II

As I’ve written before, one of the real perks of working where I do is that I so often have the opportunity to meet and befriend smart, creative, interesting, quirky, funny, and extremely cool people… some of whom do very cool and enviable things like writing books that get published by actual, honest-to-god publishers and turn up in actual, honest-to-god bookstores and such, as my friend Diane Olson did last year.

Well, it’s happened again.

Jen Larsen used to be a — how do I put this? — a large woman. She thought, as many people do, that if she could just lose the weight, all her troubles would be over. She’d magically become confident, dynamic, beautiful, successful… that she would finally like herself. And so, like so many other people in a society obsessed with the quick fix, she underwent gastric bypass surgery. And the weight came off. But then Jen found, to her surprise, that her problems were still there… and she was no longer sure who the hell she was. Her memoir of the whole experience, Stranger Here: How Weight-Loss Surgery Transformed My Body and Messed with My Head, has just been released. I haven’t read it yet, but I know from my personal experiences with her that she’s witty, funny, self-deprecating, and brutally honest, and I’m certain her book is probably much the same. It promises to be an incredible read. Here’s a nice little animated trailer for it:

That’s Jen herself doing the voiceover, by the way. I’m sure she would deny it, but I think she’s a great reader. Stranger Here has already gotten some good reviews, and Diane Olson and I are taking bets on how long it takes before Jen is invited to meet with Oprah. In the meantime, she’ll be signing books in Salt Lake next week at the King’s English Bookshop; details here.

I highly recommend buying the book from your local bookseller, of course, but you can also get it from Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Jen’s website is here.

(Incidentally, Diane’s book — A Nature Lover’s Almanac: Kinky Bugs, Stealthy Critters, Prosperous Plants & Celestial Wonders — is still available! And still wonderful!)

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Don’t Mind the Socialist in the Corner…

Robert Reich.

If the name doesn’t ring a bell, he was the Secretary of Labor for five years under President Clinton. These days, he’s a college professor, writer, and political commentator in any number of media (he shows up frequently on the Sunday morning talking-head shows). He’s a damn smart guy with a knack for saying stuff I agree with… or at least stuff I find interesting and/or enlightening. Of course, he’s also unabashedly, fiercely liberal, which means a significant portion of my Loyal Readers will reflexively sneer at anything he says and then change the channel. And that’s a shame, because so much of what he says is really just common sense. Like this, for instance, which I pulled from Reich’s Facebook page:

Several of you think we “consume” enough already. You’re right if you think of consumption in the narrow sense of just more “stuff.” But consumption can also be thought of more broadly, in terms of the things the richest nation on the earth should be able to afford — what we could obtain if our society had different priorities, if we used all our productive resources, and we were more equitable. Those things presumably would include more and better education, better healthcare, a cleaner environment, more of the arts, better public health, more protection from violence, more economic security, more leisure time. It could also include more natural beauty, better conservation of our wilderness, and innovations that saved on energy and natural resources.

 

Many of these are public goods; some are purchased privately; some are a mix of public and private. All improve our standard of living and quality of life. The real question is whether we have the political will and the values necessary to obtain them.

I think the question about political will has already been answered, sadly. Far too many Americans (especially among the population of my home state) believe the items he ticks off  are “socialism,” or otherwise ideologically suspect, rather than seeing them as having any inherent value regardless of one’s politics. Leisure, the arts, and conservation, in particular, seem to be frequently dismissed as purely liberal concerns, rather than something that everyone ought to care about. The thinking seems to be that anyone who values leisure time more than work is lazy; that art-for-art’s-sake isn’t worth pursuing because everything ought to generate a profit, or it shouldn’t exist; and that conservation is some kind of smokescreen for restricting individual freedoms.

The thing that baffles and frustrates me is that people are constantly saying that this is the wealthiest county on Earth, the best country on Earth, that anything is possible here. I don’t dispute any of that. (Believe it or not, I am patriotic, in my own way.) But I do wonder why, if those things are true, these quality-of-life issues seem to be so impossible for America to resolve, at least on an equitable basis that benefits everyone instead of only the wealthiest… especially when you consider how many other industrialized Western nations do a better job of this stuff than we do. Especially when it comes to healthcare. There is no reason why a country as rich and inventive as ours can’t figure out a way to ensure that all our citizens have access to quality care when they need it — care that won’t bankrupt them, and won’t bankrupt society either. Except of course for this mindset that everybody paying taxes to support a common good is somehow immoral, and that the federal government should never be allowed to dictate to free enterprise how much it’s allowed to charge. Because that somehow deprives Americans of their liberty. And that includes their liberty to struggle and live in constant fear of an illness or accident, I guess.

But hey, as Reich said, priorities…

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A Late-Winter Afternoon Walk

There’s a fresh-smelling breeze wafting in advance of an approaching storm.

Crusty, freeze-dried piles of old snow look like tired men slumping their shoulders as they release themselves into widening circles of moisture on the sidewalk pavement.

My iPod somehow knows to dredge up some Grateful Dead as I stroll past the storefront where the Cosmic Aeroplane used to be, decades ago.

And all this puts me in mind of the young man I used to be and somehow lost track of.

I miss him.

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The Perfect Milieu

After an infuriating last-second ambush by an account manager led to me working late on Friday night (he caught me returning from the restroom at two minutes to quitting time!), I spent a good part of the weekend pondering how I could obtain that life of leisure you hear about. I never did come up with anything that seemed workable, but William Faulkner certainly had it all figured out:

…the best job that was ever offered to me was to become a landlord in a brothel. In my opinion it’s the perfect milieu for an artist to work in. It gives him perfect economic freedom; he’s free of fear and hunger; he has a roof over his head and nothing whatever to do except keep a few simple accounts and to go once every month and pay off the local police. The place is quiet during the morning hours, which is the best time of the day to work. There’s enough social life in the evening, if he wishes to participate, to keep him from being bored; it gives him a certain standing in his society; he has nothing to do because the madam keeps the books; all the inmates of the house are females and would defer to him and call him “sir.” All the bootleggers in the neighborhood would call him “sir.” And he could call the police by their first names.

 

So the only environment the artist needs is whatever peace, whatever solitude, and whatever pleasure he can get at not too high a cost. All the wrong environment will do is run his blood pressure up; he will spend more time being frustrated or outraged. My own experience has been that the tools I need for my trade are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whiskey.

Sounds about right to me. I can certainly verify the bit about blood pressure, frustration, and outrage. Now, if only I could find a brothel in need of a landlord somewhere in the Salt Lake area… hell, it wouldn’t even have to be a landlord position. I’d be willing to be the ladies’ handy-man, like Paul Newman in The Sting. I could fix a carousel, I think…

(Quoted passage from a 1956 interview with Faulkner published in the Paris Review. Via Andrew Sullivan.)

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I’ve Been Pulped!

I’ve long been a fan of the “pulp aesthetic,” i.e., the general style of illustration that graced the covers of the old pulp fiction magazines that were popular through the first half of the 20th century. There were pulps for every imaginable genre — romance, westerns, war stories, detective fiction, and even sports — but, not surprisingly, the science-fiction and adventure pulps are my favorites. Their covers were sometimes lurid, and often had very little to do with the actual content of the magazine, but they stir the imagination of my inner twelve-year-old with their depictions of square-jawed heroes, fair damsels, loathsome aliens, foul villains, and horrific monsters, all set against the most fantastic of backgrounds. They’re just plain fun to look at. And of course this old pulp art was the direct forebear of the paperback novel covers I found so captivating during my formative years in the 1970s and ’80s, in particular the ones painted by Frank Frazetta and Boris Vallejo. So naturally when our colleague Jaquandor ran across a little something called the Pulp-o-Mizer — “the customizable pulp magazine cover generator” — naturally I had to try it out for myself. Here’s the cover I designed for this very blog, as if it were a feature seen in one of these old magazines:

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So what do you think? It’s probably no coincidence that I chose the dude with the jetpack, considering I’ve lately been reading a collection of all-new Rocketeer comics, but I think the image suits my blog anyhow. If I was a bit more clever than I am, I’d set it as the background for Simple Tricks, but alas, we’ll just have to enjoy it in the current post. Here today, gone tomorrow, I suppose.

Incidentally, if you’re intrigued by this style of art, might I recommend the excellent Pulp of the Day blog, which provides a constant stream of classic pulp covers for your artistic enjoyment? It’s been one of my daily stops for years…

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I Shouldn’t Like This…

Fact: My dislike of JJ Abrams’ 2009 Star Trek remake movie only grows the more I think about it.

Fact #2: The trailer for its upcoming sequel, Star Trek into Darkness, not only failed to grab my interest, but actually irritated me with its fade-in/fade-out editing and its pretentiously somber tone.

So, given these two facts, you would think that a fan-made trailer for the original Star Wars trilogy, cut together in the style of that Into Darkness preview, ought to have me pulling out what’s left of my hair, right? Certainly I was expecting a pretty painful experience… and yet, weirdly enough… it works:

I think it works very well, in fact, considering I’m suddenly in the mood to go watch me some Star Wars, which is, after all, the whole point of a movie trailer. But I still don’t know what to make of Abrams getting his hands on Episode VII. If nothing else, it makes me uncomfortable to think of having the same man in charge of both the big sci-fi franchises of my generation. They’re supposed to rival each other, these two pop-cultural juggernauts, differing in theme, tone, texture, and probably a dozen other intangible concepts that literary types like to analyze. But with only one man’s vision guiding both, isn’t there a danger of them becoming too much the same? Of their identities bleeding into each other? We’ll see, I guess…

 

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Thoughts on Inauguration Day

For some time now, I’ve very deliberately tried to refrain from talking about politics here on Simple Tricks. It hasn’t been easy, especially during the recent presidential campaign when the liquid bullshit was flowing so freely and deeply it often seemed like a retention pond at the local water-treatment plant had collapsed. And yet I’ve (mostly) kept my mouth shut, even when I’ve been practically busting at the seams with the desire to unleash a tirade or two. The reason is simple: I’ve been trying to be a better neighbor.

You see, growing up and living where I do — the most right-wing state in the union aside from maybe Alabama — it’s virtually guaranteed that you’re going to have a number of friends and relatives who are conservative. Very conservative, in many cases. And believe it or not, I like these people, at least when we’re not talking about politics. And I’m reasonably sure they like me, too… when we’re not talking about politics. But whenever that subject creeps into the conversation… well, basically, I got tired of walking away from arguments wondering if I’d just lost a friend I’ve had since middle school without really winning a damn thing, a feeling of sick-to-my-stomach futility that was becoming all too frequent. It’s not that I lost the courage of my convictions or anything like that. But I’ve learned that my words aren’t likely to change anybody’s minds about anything, and I’m not the sort of person who thrives on stirring the pot. I give too much of a damn about what others think. So some months back, I decided it just wasn’t worth antagonizing a good percentage of my Loyal Readers simply in the name of expressing my opinion.

The downside to this high-minded civility is that, over time, I’ve started to feel like I’m somehow not being true to myself. I don’t quite understand why this should be the case, as I’m pretty sure my conservative friends know me well enough to guess what I’m liable to think about any given issue, just as I can imagine where they probably stand on various things, too, without any of us needing to say a word. Staying silent simply avoids bad feelings. But the conversation goes on in the culture around us whether I speak or not, and there are times when my soul cries out to stop staring at my shoes like I’ve done something wrong. Times when I need to stick out my chest and let the world know who I am and what I believe in. It’s not about picking a fight or pissing people off. It’s about pride. And demonstrating the courage of my convictions.

So today, on the occasion of the second inauguration of President Barack Obama, I want to shout from the rooftops that I am a liberal Democrat, and I’m not going to apologize for it. Moreover, I’m proud to state, for the record, that I voted twice for this man:

Inaugural Parade Held After Swearing In CeremonyNow, I’ll confess, Obama hasn’t exactly been the president I hoped he’d be. Not that I imagined he was any kind of “messiah,” as many folks on the right still like to sneeringly accuse we liberals of believing. (I’d like to know where the hell that ridiculous taunt came from; I don’t know anybody who ever thought that. The enthusiasm for Obama that made the right so uncomfortable was largely a reflection of the left’s absolute frustration and despair after eight years of George W. Bush and Darth — sorry, Dick  — Cheney, and our relief that those dreadful years were at last over. Also, we were simply excited that we were electing America’s first black president, a historic landmark that most of us progressives hoped but never really believed we’d ever see.) Four years ago, my wish was that hoped Barack Obama would be as aggressively, unrepentantly liberal as Bush had been conservative. I wanted another FDR who would come in and kick some Wall Street ass before reaffirming all the rights the previous administration had so contemptuously trampled in the name of “security.” That’s not what happened, of course. At the end of Obama’s first term, the economy still stinks, the big banks are bigger than ever, and nobody went to jail for using the whole damn financial system as their personal casino; healthcare remains in the iron grip of the for-profit insurance industry (a single-payer system makes far more sense to me); the hateful American gulag at Guantanamo remains in operation; this nation has not formally repudiated torture; the NSA is still listening in on everybody’s phone calls without a warrant; and I still have to take off my shoes at the airport.

Even so, there was never any question that Barack Obama would get my vote for a second term. Not merely because he’s a member of my Democratic tribe (although honestly, at this point, after observing 20 years of Gingrinchian temper tantrums and generally assholish behavior, I can’t imagine ever voting for a Republican). But also because I genuinely like the man, and I know that many of his failures to date are not strictly his fault, but due instead to an intransigent, obstructionist Republican Congress that made up its mind not to work with him on anything before he took one step inside the Oval Office. And also because I believe he has the best interests of the average person at heart. Because I still hope this country can become something better than it’s been in recent years.

Barack Obama’s second inaugural speech today included much to reassure me that my hope is not misplaced. To my great pleasure, this speech was as full-throated a defense of liberal ideals — my ideals — as I’ve heard since I reached voting age. Over and over again during the length of the address, I found myself thinking, “Yes! It’s about damn time somebody said something like this!”  Two passages in particular leapt out at me. First, this one, which echoes so much of what I myself have said in recent years in defense of so-called “entitlements”:

We, the people, still believe that every citizen deserves a basic measure of security and dignity.  We must make the hard choices to reduce the cost of health care and the size of our deficit.  But we reject the belief that America must choose between caring for the generation that built this country and investing in the generation that will build its future.  For we remember the lessons of our past, when twilight years were spent in poverty, and parents of a child with a disability had nowhere to turn.  We do not believe that in this country, freedom is reserved for the lucky, or happiness for the few.  We recognize that no matter how responsibly we live our lives, any one of us, at any time, may face a job loss, or a sudden illness, or a home swept away in a terrible storm. The commitments we make to each other – through Medicare, and Medicaid, and Social Security – these things do not sap our initiative; they strengthen us.  They do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great.

Emphasis mine. A social safety net is not socialism or communism. It’s merely civilized. Every advanced nation in the world has one, as they should. And true freedom is not having to live in terror of losing everything you’ve worked for just because you have the misfortune to get sick, or laid off, or hit by bad weather.

And then there’s this:

We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths – that all of us are created equal – is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall; just as it guided all those men and women, sung and unsung, who left footprints along this great Mall, to hear a preacher say that we cannot walk alone; to hear a King proclaim that our individual freedom is inextricably bound to the freedom of every soul on Earth.

 

It is now our generation’s task to carry on what those pioneers began.  For our journey is not complete until our wives, our mothers, and daughters can earn a living equal to their efforts.  Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law – for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.  Our journey is not complete until no citizen is forced to wait for hours to exercise the right to vote.  Our journey is not complete until we find a better way to welcome the striving, hopeful immigrants who still see America as a land of opportunity; until bright young students and engineers are enlisted in our workforce rather than expelled from our country.  Our journey is not complete until all our children, from the streets of Detroit to the hills of Appalachia to the quiet lanes of Newtown, know that they are cared for, and cherished, and always safe from harm.

 

 

That is our generation’s task – to make these words, these rights, these values – of Life, and Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness – real for every American.  Being true to our founding documents does not require us to agree on every contour of life; it does not mean we will all define liberty in exactly the same way, or follow the same precise path to happiness.  Progress does not compel us to settle centuries-long debates about the role of government for all time – but it does require us to act in our time.

How can I explain what I hear in this passage? Why I find it so moving, so correct, so… fulfilling?  I guess it starts, as so many of my most cherished ideas do, with an old episode of Star Trek.

“The Omega Glory” is commonly derided as one of the worst segments of the original series — and admittedly, its central premise is pretty hard to swallow — but I have to confess I’ve always rather liked this one, even its notoriously far-fetched final scene. Briefly, the crew of the Starship Enterprise discovers a planet where pre-industrial villagers called the Kohms are under siege by nomadic barbarians known as Yangs. Our heroes eventually figure out that this planet was once a mirror-image of 20th century Earth, only these people fought the third world war that Earth managed to avoid, and their civilization was destroyed, “bombed back to the Stone Age,” to use an expression that was all the rage when this one was filmed. The asiatic-looking Kohms are descended from communists — commie, Kohm, get it? — while the white-skinned barbarians were once analogous to Americans, i.e., Yankees. (I know, I know, but bear with me here. The writers of the original series were far less concerned with plausibility than with parable.)

In the episode’s climax, the victorious Yangs bring out their most revered relic, the e plebista (a corruption of the Latin e pluribus unum, obviously). It’s a centuries-old document they hold so sacred that only the chief and high priest of their tribe are allowed to look upon it. It’s the U.S. Constitution, of course… and Captain Kirk reacts to this revelation with irritation, telling the Yangs that they have forgotten the meaning of their holy words, that they have in fact missed the entire point of them. These words, he passionately declares, are not meant only for chiefs or priests, but for all people. They must apply equally to everyone, Kirk says — even to the Kohms — or they mean nothing.

It’s a ridiculous scene, played in broad strokes with swelling music and William Shatner delivering one of his most bombastic performances, which is saying quite a lot considering his career is filled with them. And yet… while other Trekkies snicker and roll their eyes and even call out the episode as racist,  I have always found it curiously effective. Powerful, even, in spite of all its earnest, simplistic, ham-fisted proselytizing. I’m not exaggerating when I say that this one scene of a TV show that was cancelled before my birth, seen god-only-knows how many times during my early childhood — along with certain of those old Schoolhouse Rock PSAs that used to run on Saturday mornings — formed the foundation of my ideas about America. What it is, and what it’s supposed to be…

The words must apply to everyone or they mean nothing.

President Obama’s speech moved me because I heard in it the echo of Captain Kirk’s voice. And it excited me to hear so plainly articulated something I so deeply believe: We’re all in this together. All of us… rich and poor, black and white, straight and gay, religious and atheist, Democrat and Republican. We, the people. We all deserve the same liberties — to marry, to vote, to express ourselves, to better ourselves, to live the best life we can achieve. But that’s only going to work if we also all share the responsibilities that come from living in the same community. We have to work together, and help each other out when one of our neighbors is struggling. We can’t “go galt” because we’re not feeling properly appreciated. We can’t live by a philosophy of “every man for himself” and still call ourselves a community, much less a civilization. We can’t insist others live by our religious code if they have a different faith, or none at all. And we have to do our best to make the system as fair as possible for as many of our fellow citizens as possible, or all our high-minded declarations about being created equal are just so much hot wind.

Before the Red-baiters and Bible-thumpers enshrined “In God we trust” as the national motto, we had another, far more appropriate one (which sadly was never made official): e pluribus unum. Out of many, one. Originally referring to the thirteen separate colonies making up a new country, it’s meaning can also be applied to the rich diversity of our citizenry. It’s an idea I revere… my “Yang holy words,” as it were. My e plebnista. My vision of America, or at least of what America can be. And should be.

It’s a vision President Obama — my president — seems to share.

One final thought, assuming anybody has managed to read this far without clicking away in disgust… or boredom: I know this was just another speech, mere words. I have several liberal friends who have grown jaded about President Obama’s speeches, who won’t be satisfied until they see some actions that back up the words. I understand your feelings… and I agree. Mostly. As I said above, I don’t think Obama’s ineffectiveness on some issues is entirely his fault; there’s only so much he can accomplish in the current political environment. But something feels different to me this time out. And in any event, we, as liberals, need to keep giving voice to these ideals. The right figured out long ago that if you repeat a talking point often enough, people start to believe it. So let’s keep repeating our ideas until they sink in…

The words must apply to everyone or they mean nothing…

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It’s Bloody Cold, and I’ve Had Enough of It

star-trek_the-naked-time_frozenJanuary is a hard month in Utah. That’s when The Inversions come. The time when the world loses all its color and turns gray and filthy and indistinct. When the horizon seems to shrivel down and attach itself to buildings and trees and lampposts, like leathery skin with no flesh beneath it adhering to the bones of an ancient, starving man. In January, when The Inversions come, the world becomes small and hard… and very, very cold.

The Inversions. No, they’re not ethereal, soul-sucking monsters straight out of a Harry Potter novel, but they’re pretty damn close in my estimation. I used to tolerate them fairly well. But that was BD, before diagnosis. Things are different now, and January is much harder for me than it used to be. But I’ll get to that.

For my out-of-state readers who may be wondering what in the hell I’m on about today, I ought to explain that “the Inversions” — formally known as temperature inversions — are an annual phenomenon brought on by a quirk of the local climate and geography where I live. Essentially what happens is that, during the winter months, the air near the ground becomes stagnant and cools off, while the air higher up in the atmosphere remains warm, which is of course the opposite of how things are normally. Normally, wind currents would mix the two temperature zones up, but remember that the bottom layer is stagnant; there are no winds to speak of during this time of year, much like the doldrums sailors experience near the Equator. And so the cold air stays in place for days or even weeks at a stretch. And it gets very, very cold during these periods… damn cold.  As in “your taun-taun will freeze before you reach the outer marker” cold.

But wait, it gets worse.

Utah is a vast place, but believe it or not, most of it is uninhabited. Some 80% of this state’s population is crowded into a narrow strip of land called the Wasatch Front, which runs roughly 80 miles from Brigham City on the northern end to Santaquin in the south, with the state’s three largest cities — Salt Lake, Ogden and Provo — and their sprawling suburbs right in the middle. The Front is bounded on two sides by mountain ranges, so all these cities essentially lay at the bottom of a gigantic bowl. (Well, it’s shaped more like a trough, but the bowl image is a bit more illustrative for my purposes here.) Now picture this bowl filled with over two million people who are all driving cars and consuming electricity and trying to stay warm. Naturally, these activities all generate air pollution. And that layer of warm air up in the sky during an inversion is like a lid sitting on top the bowl, holding down not only the temperature, but also all that airborne pollution generated inside the bowl. Exhaust from cars and powerplants, smoke from fireplaces, god knows what from refineries and smelters and factories… it all lingers here in the valley during an inversion, growing more and more concentrated day by day until a storm front finally comes through and the savior winds punch a hole in that giant invisible Tupperware seal and drive all the frigid, mucky air away.

The Inversions have been a fact of life around here as long as I can remember, but they’ve been especially bad this year. An article in the Salt Lake Tribune last week noted that four of the five places with the worst current air quality in the entire country are right here in Utah, and three of those four locations are along the Wasatch Front. Doctors are warning of increasing danger to even healthy adults, in addition to the elderly and children they’re usually concerned about, and there’s a growing chorus of voices demanding that our politicians do something about it. But I don’t need newspapers to tell me what I see with my own eyes every time I look out the windows at work. From my offices on the 13th Floor, the Wasatch Mountains on the east side of the valley ought to appear close enough to touch. But for the past week, the mountains have been utterly invisible behind a grey scrim, and even the spires of Salt Lake’s Cathedral of the Madeleine, only a couple blocks away from my building, are mere shadows in the mist.

As worrisome as it is to be breathing filth, though, it’s really the cold that’s troubling me. It never used to, particularly. Oh, I didn’t like the cold, but I tolerated it quite well. I remember a time when I felt perfectly comfortable wearing only a t-shirt and a leather jacket. No more, though. I mentioned a while back that something has changed in my body over the past year and I no longer “run hot” the way I used to; I don’t know if it’s something to do with diabetes, a side effect of the medications I’m taking, or the result of losing a lot of weight and/or lowering my blood pressure. Whatever it is, these days I’m wearing long johns, layered shirts, and a cardigan underneath a goose-down parka, and I still feel chilly. Even when I’m indoors. Granted, it probably doesn’t help that my desk at work is located in a bump-out that sticks out the side of the building and is surrounded on three sides by glass; I would guess all those windows radiate heat into the cold air outside pretty efficiently, making it difficult to keep my area warm. Or it could just be my own perception. But whatever the explanation, I notice the cold settling over me as I sit at my desk, flowing across my arms and the tops of my thighs, and sinking into my fingers so the joints stiffen up and begin to ache. Lately I’ve been imagining myself as the unfortunate chap in the image above… immobilized beneath a rime of frost, waiting for a spring that seems as if it’s never going to come.

I hate it. I hate every miserable moment of it, feeling like I’ve grown weaker in some fundamental way, even though I’m in fact healthier than I was a year ago at this same time.

I finally understand why my dad has long fantasized about going to Hawaii during the winter months. I’ve been dreaming lately about heading south myself… along with all the other senior citizens who wear their sweaters year-round. And I hate that too. For someone who’s been fretting about getting old for a long time anyhow, this new development does not help the ego…

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The Unexpected Poetry of the Spambot

I don’t get a lot of junk email anymore. I guess the Nigerian scammers finally figured out that I don’t accept the logic of sending them money in return for an imaginary fortune, and the bottom has apparently fallen out of the all-natural male-enhancement market. Either that, or I’ve finally got the filters tuned properly. Regardless, my “spam catcher” account — the one I use for commerce and newsletter subscriptions — doesn’t receive a lot of unsolicited traffic anymore. But every once in a while, one lone ninja manages to slip past the defenses in the dead of night and remind me of the weird and wacky (and yet strangely sublime) crap that used to be such a common part of the online experience.

I got one today, for example, that was mostly inscrutable in its randomly generated nonsense text, but it contained a single vibrant line that caught my eye, because it comes so close to sounding like it actually means something:

“Yes, we must rave. I went out for a activate, and it was so individual I longed to shimmer in the classification.”

My first thought was that somebody had programmed a ‘bot to rewrite A Clockwork Orange in the voice of Jack Kerouac. This line dances in my mind, coming achingly near to comprehensibility, and then skating away again like the pretty girl on an ice rink who teases and flirts and never quite lets you touch her as you flail about and grab for the side railing, and curse your clumsiness even as you find you just can’t take your eyes off her tiny little skirt and the way it flutters in the breeze…

Yes… yes, we must rave. It’s so obvious. I, too, long to shimmer…

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