As Jaquandor notes, this question-and-answer doohickey (he calls them “quiz things,” I’ve always heard them called memes, and I’m not sure which is more appropriate) starts off with pretty innocuous stuff, but then becomes quite a bit more inflammatory starting at question nine. I’m feeling kind of feisty today, though, so I figure what the hell. Be warned that if you choose to read on, you may learn more about me than you really want to know. I won’t be held responsible for any blood-pressure spikes that may result.

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?
   Pretty much the same thing I’m doing now, I suppose… trying to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to be when I grow up. Er, that is, I was trying to take over the world. The same thing I do every year. Yes, yes, that was it.

2. Five snacks that you enjoy in a perfect, non-weight-gaining world?
   Meh, there is no perfect world. I enjoy these snacks now: cookies, Doritos, popcorn, cinnamon bears, and Red Vines.

3. Five things you would do if you were a billionaire:
   Like Jaquandor, I’m interpreting this as “I’ve just acquired one billion dollars.” My extravagances:
   • I’d buy a big chunk of land in some semi-rural place (not truly rural — I don’t think I could handle genuine small-town living — but something like what I knew as a boy, when I had hay pastures just down the street from me but urban SLC was only 20 minutes away). Then I’d build a house with a wide front porch where I could sit and enjoy the approach of evening without having to look at the white-trash family across the street, or listen to the constant road noise I’ve always known.
   • I have a list of at least a dozen cool dream cars I’d like to own, so I’d buy those, and then build a suitable storage facility on my property in which to store them. Something really big, with polished concrete floors and lots of memorabilia on the walls.
   • I’d take a few years off and travel around the world, taking my time to fully experience all of the destinations that have ever crossed my daydreams.
   • I’d pay off all the debts held by certain people I know, and make certain their retirements are comfortable.
   • And finally, I’d donate a big chunk of change to Lou Gehrig’s Disease (ALS), spinal-cord injury, and cancer research. And I’d also set up a trust fund to keep those old World War II airplanes flying…
4. Three of your habits:
   Staying up too late, drinking coffee in the morning, going out for brunch on Sundays.

5. Five jobs that you’ve had:
   Movie-theater projectionist, customer service phone drone (gack!), supermarket food demonstrator (weird — I was partly paid in leftover product), technical writer, proofreader/editor.

6. Five places that you’ve lived:
   Riverton, UT. That’s it, unless you count a month in Cambridge, England, or a couple weeks in Andernach, Germany.

7. Five things that you did yesterday:
   As I mentioned on Facebook (in case anyone is following along over there), I realized halfway to my car that I’d forgotten my cellphone, and had to go back to the house for it. Then I realized halfway to my car again that the phone’s battery was dead, and went back to the house for the charger. I further realized halfway to the train station that I’d forgotten my book; I did not go back for that, but still missed my usual train. At work, I proofread a monstrous user guide for (hopefully) the last time. And I cleaned the cats’ litter box. Yeah, that’s a full day for you.

8. Five people you would want to get to know more about:
   Thomas Jefferson. FDR. Jackie Cochran. Charlie Chaplin. And my grandparents on both sides. (Okay, the grandparents comprise four people, not one, but due to circumstances, I never really got to know any of them, and I wish I had.)

9. Abortion: for or against it?
   And here we go with the hot-button stuff. I hate the way this item is worded, as I don’t know anyone who is for abortion, i.e., actively encouraging or promoting it. You don’t hear anyone talking about how they’re looking forward to having an abortion, or how much fun the experience was, or how everybody ought to get one. I have a similar problem with the term “pro-life,” which implies that someone who doesn’t think abortion should be illegal is somehow “anti-life,” which is horseshit. But then, I’ve often said in private conversation that I think the two sides of this never-ending debate are arguing different issues. One side is talking about the morality of the act itself, while the other is talking about reproductive liberty, i.e., whether the government (or anybody else) ought to have anything to say about an individual’s sex and procreative life.
   For the record (and in case you haven’t figured it out), I am pro-choice. No one should have a baby if they don’t want to, and nobody else should tell them they have to. Period. Here’s an idea: how about reducing the demand for abortions by encouraging responsible contraception and providing our kids with honest and complete sex education? Yeah, that’s going to happen, considering that the folks who want to prosecute and/or kill abortion doctors are usually the same ones who think we shouldn’t tell teenagers about condoms, because, you know, that “just say no” campaign totally eliminated drug abuse…

10. Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
    Well, we don’t actually have a world president, so I assume this question means, “Do I think the U.S. would fail with female president?” And my answer is, no, of course not. Why should it?

11. Do you believe in the death penalty?
    I’m ambivalent on this one. On the one hand, I don’t believe for a microsecond that the death penalty works as a deterrent. Nor do I think that the state killing a murderer provides any real justice or the ever-elusive “closure.” The victim is still dead, and the family and friends are still going to miss them.
    But on the other hand, I see no logical reason why somebody like Charles Manson should be kept alive with our tax dollars, especially when so many non-incarcerated people are eating catfood and/or have no health insurance.
    I do think, however, that if we’re going to have the death penalty, then we ought to have the courage of our convictions. Our current pattern of sentencing someone to death and then letting them sit around for 20 or 30 years before we get around to carrying out the sentence is ridiculous. How can that be said to be a death penalty? More like life in prison, followed by a state-scheduled demise. If we as a society are going to perform executions at all, I think we ought to expedite the process — limit the number of appeals and the time frame allowed, and just do it already.

12. Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
    Yep. Not that I’m a big fan of the stuff myself — honestly, I’ve never even tried it — but it just seems like the most rational solution at this point. The War on Drugs has raged for decades, we’ve poured billions of dollars into it, and what has it gotten us? Just like Prohibition before it, this “war” has accomplished nothing but generating ungodly amounts of violence, making a handful of criminal overlords very wealthy, and ruining the lives of untold little people on the very bottom of the equation, i.e., the ordinary user and small-time dealers. It certainly hasn’t curbed American appetities for weed or coke or anything else. Seems to me it’s time we admit this approach hasn’t gotten us anywhere and try something else. Pot being the least harmful (and probably most common) of the currently proscribed recreational substances, I say we legalize it, regulate it, tax the crap out of it, and put all that money we’ve been pouring down the toilet (as well as the new revenue stream) to better use.

13. Are you for or against premarital sex?
    Doesn’t really matter if anyone is “for” or “against” it, it happens. It always has, if you do some honest research into historical marriage and birth records. And it always will, too, no matter how much the prudes of our society wish it wouldn’t. But if you really insist on hearing my judgment on the matter, I’ve got no problem with it.

14. Do you think same-sex marriage should be legalized?
    Yes. Because our most revered national document assures us that all men are created equal and are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Which means that we’re not being true to our founding ideals if we single out a certain subclass and say, “sorry, you don’t get the same societal perks as everyone else because we think you’re icky.” Also, I think it should be legalized because no one has yet managed to explain to my satisfaction how the bedroom activities of the people next door have any impact whatsoever on my marriage. If I were married.
    As for the effect legal same-sex marriage might have on the children, meh. Kids are a lot less confused and troubled by things than we adults give them credit for. If they’re not gay, having gay people next door won’t change them. And wouldn’t a happy, monogamous couple of any gender configuration be a much better example for the kids than a promiscuous screw-up?

15. Do you think it’s wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?
    It’s wrong that they’re breaking the law, yes, but like premarital sex and pot smoking, I don’t think there’s much anyone can do to stop it. It’s simply too large a problem because of the length of our border with Mexico and the number of people who want to come here. Besides which, “illegals” do most of the crappy jobs that white folks won’t do anymore; they’re integral to our economy. So even if we could somehow magically banish them from our soil, we’d wreck ourselves in the process. Much better to find some way of living with the situation, whether that means a massive guest-worker program or some kind of amnesty or something I’m not clever enough to think of. But again, I don’t think treating the problem as a need for military action — as many would like to do — is the right approach.

16. Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
    If we consider eighteen-year-olds mature and responsible enough to vote, and to carry weapons and die on behalf of their country, and to have sex without disapproval (assuming you agree with number 13), and to get married and create human life, and to purchase legal recreational substances that come in the form of leaves wrapped in paper, then why not?

17. Should the war in Iraq be called off?
    Absolutely. I never thought we had any right going in there anyhow — Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11, and represented no credible threat to this country — and at this point, I can’t see that our continuing presence accomplishes much. Plus, it’s a tremendous money pit. People are screaming about Obamacare driving up the deficit? Crap, the amounts we’re shoveling into that god-forsaken sandpile over there could take a huge chunk out of the deficit and probably pay for truly universal health care as well. Shut down the War on Drugs while we’re at it (and tax Mary Jane), and we’ll probably free up enough to build that moon base we were supposed to have by now.
    Legalize and tax prostitution as well and we get a Mars mission.

18. Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
    No. There are situations when there is no hope, no dignity, no quality of life — trust me, I’ve seen them — and I see no reason why a responsible adult can’t decide when they’ve had enough.

19. Do you believe in spanking children?
    I’m sure I’m going to alienate a whole lot of people here — possibly more people than I offended with my views on abortion, drugs, or sex — but yes, I think it’s okay to spank a kid. Spank, not beat, and only as a punishment of last resort, to be used rarely if at all.
    Now, I don’t have kids of my own, so some people might say that disqualifies me from having an opinion on this subject. Fine, whatever. But based on what I see out there in the world, my generation is failing big time at parenthood. We’re raising a generation of spoiled, self-centered brats who have their parents wrapped around their fingers and no respect for anybody but themselves (and probably not even themselves), and personally, I’m convinced that a big part of the problem is that we’ve been suckered (or coerced) into believing that children are rational beings who can be talked or time-outed out of misbehaving, and I just don’t think that’s always the case. There are offenses that warrant a swat on the backside, but no one dares administer one anymore, either out of fear that some well-meaning busybody will accuse them of child abuse, or because they worry the kid won’t be their buddy anymore. It’s ridiculous.

20. And finally, do you worry that others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
    Oh, I’m certain they will. But blogging is about putting your opinions out there for judgment, isn’t it? Besides, my friends and Loyal Readers already know I’m a damn, dirty librul, so I doubt any of this really shocks them. Except perhaps the thing about spanking. If I get any static, I imagine it’ll be on that…