The title pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?
I first spotted a somewhat abbreviated version of this mammoth meme at SamuraiFrog’s Electronic Cerebrectomy, but Jaquandor tracked down the full enchilada a few days later. Seeing as how I’m an exhibitionistic masochist, and that I have nothing better to do on the afternoon of Christmas Eve, I shall, of course, do the long one…
Favorite Christmas…
- Non-Jesus-related song?
I’m not a big fan of Christmas music in general — 90 percent of it seems to be deliberately engineered to become an unstoppable earworm, and a lot of it drips with this kind of phony cheer that sounds almost hysterical to my ears — but even I can’t be grinchy about Nat King Cole’s “Christmas Song” (a.k.a. “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire,” because of the opening lyric). John Lennon’s “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” captures the melancholy that I perceive in this time of the year. And of course, there’s that Billy Squier song… the sweater! Dear God, the sweater! - Jesus-related song?
Not only am I not a fan of Christmas music in general, I’m also not religious, so that makes this a particularly tough choice. I suppose “Silent Night” is always pleasantly mellow… - Santa-related song?
The Santa songs are often the most guilty of that phony cheer thing I mentioned, but Springsteen’s version of “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” is genuinely — and infectiously — joyful. - Fictional character?
Ralphie Parker in A Christmas Story — he’s pretty much me when I was a kid, only obsessed with Little Orphan Annie instead of Star Wars — or Gus, Denis Leary’s ranting, cursing, had-it-up-to-here-with-everybody-but-still-has-a-heart-of-gold character in The Ref. Who is pretty much me now. - Dinner’s main course?
My family has no tradition of a special Christmas dinner, so whatever we’re in the mood for. - Dinner’s dessert?
Same as above. - Scent (pine, gingerbread, candles…)?
Uh… pine, I guess. Actually, now that I think about it, I miss having a real tree for the odor they send through the house. At least for the first couple of days, before they dry out and turn into Molotov cocktails waiting to burst. - Animated movie?
Well, if we stretch “movie” to mean “made-for-TV holiday special” and “animated” to mean “stop-motion figurines” instead of cartoons, I’ve always liked the Rankin-Bass special Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. That’s the one with Fred Astaire as the Sno-Cat-driving mailman who narrates Santa’s origin story. Rudolph gets all the love these days, but Santa is the better story, with fewer plot holes and more charming characters. And the young Mrs. Claus is a hottie, too. - Non-animated movie?
Hm. The last couple of years I’ve become extremely fond of Bad Santa. Yes, it’s unrelentingly crass and foul (especially the unrated “Badder Santa” version I own), but Billy Bob Thornton’s self-loathing drunkard Willie is pretty true to life, the movie has kind of a weird sweetness underneath the offensive stuff, and there’s even a sort of redemption at the end. - Personal memory?
The year I woke up very early on Christmas morning and found my father in his underwear, building a fire in the fireplace, with the pieces of a half-assembled Kenner Millenium Falcon scattered around the living room. He hastily threw the instruction sheet over the Falcon — I’d already seen it, of course — and told me Santa was running behind that year and had woken him and asked if he wouldn’t mind putting the toys together so Santa could get going to the next delivery. Naturally, I bought this and went back to bed for another couple of sleepless hours, my hands itching to get hold of the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy… - Story/Fairy tale?
I know you’re supposed to say Luke chapter 2 or ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas or something like that, but honestly… I can’t think of one I’d call a favorite. Again, not much for tradition in my home.
This or That - Candy cane or peppermint patties?
I’m not a big fan of mint-flavored things. - Sugar or gingerbread cookies?
Chocolate chip, actually, but my friend Jack’s wife makes a lovely gingerbread man. - Tinsel or beaded strands?
My mom has always used both. She’s from the “more is better” school. So I guess I have no preference. - Multi-colored or same-colored lights?
Again, why not both? - Flashing or still lights?
Still. The flashing ones are trying too hard. - Wreaths or mistletoe/holly?
“Meh” to both. All I need is a tree, really. Although I approve of the mistletoe kissing thing. - Rudolph or Frosty?
They’re both pretty lame. A glowing nose? How many pints of cheap rotgut do you have to drink to achieve that effect? And a snowman as your best friend? Man, that’s even worse than those Japanese guys who marry pillows that have anime characters on them. - Sledding or snowball fights?
Haven’t done either in at least 25 years… sledding, I guess. - Snow or ice/icicles?
Snow, preferably viewed from behind a thick pane of glass. - Snow hat or earmuffs?
Hat. Earmuffs don’t do much for you when you’re lacking hair on top of the ol’ dome. - Getting or giving?
Both carry a lot of baggage for me: obligation, anxiety, disappointment. There are times when I think it’s all just too damn much pressure and I oughta forget the whole thing and go to Hawaii. - Snow days or plow trucks?
Plow trucks. Some of us don’t have that telecommuting option I keep hearing about. - Stockings or presents?
Presents, definitely. The stocking was always just an afterthought with an orange in the toe. - Cookies & milk or letter to Santa?
I can’t remember ever writing a letter to Santa, and I only did the milk-n-cookies thing a couple times that I can recall. - Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
Eve, I think. There’s that moment when work is over and everyone’s gone home, and the world just seems to take a deep breath and let it out slowly… that’s a rare and precious thing. - Log Burning Channel or real thing?
Does anyone actually watch that silly fire channel on TV? I’ve always thought it was just a gag. - Cards or emails?
I think cards are more personal and provide a nice little keepsake for the recipient, if they’re inclined to, um, keep sakes. That said, I’ve gotten worse about sending cards with each passing year. They’re not happening this year… - Shoveling or cleaning off the car?
They both suck, but shoveling is a bigger job, so I guess it takes the win. - The inn’s manger or the animals?
What? I don’t know what I’m being asked here… - Mary & Joseph or The Wise Men?
I always thought the Wise Men figures in my mom’s old nativity set were much more interesting to look at than boring ol’ Mary and Joseph, who were just a guy and a chick in plain white robes. The Wise Men were different colors and had different types of hats and stuff. - Hot cocoa or eggnog?
I like them both, but eggnog is more specifically Christmas-y to me. You can have cocoa anytime of the year. - Jack Frost or the Little Drummer Boy?
How are these two characters remotely comparable? Dumb…“Yay!” or “Ugh” - Holiday shopping? Ugh. Did most of mine online this year.
- Icy roads? Ugh. Is there anyone out there who said “yay,” and, if so, WTF is the matter with that person?
- Limited driving visibility? Um… a provisional “yay.” Oddly enough, I kind of like driving in light fog, especially when there’s no one else around so I don’t have to worry about unpleasant encounters.
- Christmas carolers? Ugh. I never know what you’re supposed to do when you’re confronted by these people… invite them in? Give them money? Nod appreciatively even though you really can’t stand the Twelve Fargin’ Days of Frackin’ Christmas? Too much pressure…
- Mall Santas? Yay, I guess. I have no kids so I have no reason to really have an opinion. When I was a kid, Santa came to the town hall, not the mall. Of course, the closest mall was 15 miles away.
- Salvation Army Santas? Ugh. I hate being guilted into donating to a cause, and I hate feeling lame for only having 15 cents to put in the bucket. Who carries change anymore?
- Blizzards? Ugh if I have to go anywhere. Yay if I can stay inside with a nice Irish coffee.
- 24/7 holiday radio? Ugh, ugh, ugh. A thousand times ugh! I know I’m far more negative about the Christmas music than many people, but is 24/7 really necessary? Come on… I can live with a couple songs an hour, dropped into the regular playlists, but you can’t tell me people really want to listen to a constant stream of nothing but Christmas music. I think the Geneva Conventions have a line about that, don’t they?
- Freezing cold? Ugh. I’m perfectly comfortable with temps in the 30s, but they when they drop below that — as they inevitably do around here in January — it’s just miserable.
- Setting up the tree? Ugh. A chore I take no particular pleasure in.
- Wrapping presents? Ugh. Fortunately, my mom and The Girlfriend seem to like doing it.
- Visiting/seeing family? If you knew my family, the answer would be obvious: Ugh.
- Ad-Lib on “Rudolph…” (like Monopoly!)? Ugh. Silly additions to an already silly song. Not that I’m likely to be singing it anyhow.
- Free mint red/white candy?
Uh, yay? They’re free, after all. Of course, there is that whole “don’t really like mint” thing… - Belief in Santa Claus? Sure, why not? The world will grind the wonder out of kids’ lives soon enough, so what’s the harm?
- Chocolate advent calender? I’ve never had one of these, so I have no opinion. In principle, though, “yay.” Chocolate = good, right?
- Peeking at your gifts (or by accident)? I always felt guilty when I gave in to this temptation, so I’ll say “ugh.”
- Making out with Santa under the mistletoe? Ugh. I’m a dude. With a beard. I don’t want to interlace my beard hair with that of another dude. Of course, if it was this kind of Santa, that would be another story… (Thanks to Retrospace for that one!)
- Decorated houses? Yay. I don’t do it myself, but it’s nice to see others…
- Extreme decorated houses? Ugh. I hate the overdone guys with all the inflatable doodads and enough lights to bring down a jumbo jet.
- White Christmas morning? Yay. Of course, that turns to ugh in the Christmas afternoon when you have to start shoveling…
- Searching for ornaments in the attic? I don’t have an attic, I have a basement. But either way, ugh. Another chore.
- Santa knowing when you’re sleeping and awake? Ugh. Kind of creepy when you think about it.First Thought That Comes To Mind When You Hear…
- Snowflake! Tasty.
- Pinecones! Delicious with a schmear of peanut butter.
- Elves! Liv Tyler.
- Sleigh! Dr. Zhivago.
- Presents! Nice.
- Cookies! Yummy.
- Mistletoe! Kissy.
- Rudolph! Cheap rotgut.
- Blizzard! Irish coffee.
- School’s canceled! Irrelevant. I have no children and I graduated years ago.
- Ice skating! One night back in ’88 or ’89.
- Santa’s lap! I don’t fit.
- Black Friday! Insanity.
- God’s Son! A Mark Goodson/Bill Todman Production! (I misread “God’s Son” at first glance.)
- Melting snow! Spring time.
- Lumps of coal! Fireplace. We used to burn coal to prolong the heating.
- Nutcracker! Useless tchotchke.
- Ho Ho Ho! Green Giant! (Stolen from Jaquandor, but it just fit so perfectly.)
- North Pole! Admiral Byrd.What’s a Winter Activity YOU Do…
- …In the snow by yourself?
Spell my name. - …Inside by yourself?
That’s personal. - …In a public place?
Neither of the above, unless you want to get arrested. - …With friends/family in the snow at home?
Shoveling parties. - …With friends/family inside at home?
Uh, everything?Grade/Rate Holiday Movies, A–F - A Christmas Story
A. A near-perfect evocation of the time period and of what it’s like to be nine years old at Christmas time. Even though it’s set in the ’40s, I recognize a lot of my childhood in the ’70s in this film. And it makes me laugh, especially scenes involving The Old Man. - How The Grinch Stole Christmas
If you’re talking that Jim Carrey travesty from a few years ago, then a big fat F. Like so many other “family films” of the past 20 years, it mistakes “loud and frenetic” for “fun” and completely lacks any kind of wonder or charm. If you mean the classic Chuck Jones cartoon, then a B. I’m not as fond of this one as many people, but it is a Chuck Jones cartoon. - The Santa Clause
D. Tim Allen is an amiable actor, but the movie has a dumb premise, unfunny jokes, and no charm. - Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
Not a movie, but okay, whatever — I’d give it a C. I used to love it as much as any other Gen-Xer, but the last time I watched it, I noticed just how arrogant Rudolph’s dad is, how unlikable Rudolph himself is (whiny little putz), and a number of other flaws that I never used to notice. The stop-motion animation remains charming, and I think that’s what really endears this show to people, far more than the story itself. - Frosty The Snowman
Another D. I never liked this one. Cheap ’70s animation, lame story. Even as a kid, I was bored by it. - Home Alone
F. Big, big F. The iconic bit where Macauley Culkin holds his face and screams? That set off an instinctive desire in me to smack the kid upside the head and tell him to shut the hell up, and the movie never recovered after that. I deplored the casual, cartoonish sadism, too. I blame this obnoxious POS for a lot of the “loud and frenetic” aesthetic that I so hate. - National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
B. I love this one, watch it just about every year, but it has some slow spots. Still, Clark Griswold’s primary motivation — to have an “old-fashioned family Christmas” — and his continual frustration at the reality of his family is both true to life and endearing. The movie’s funny, yes, but it’s also saying something, as the true classics at least strive to do. - Elf
F. I saw it. I don’t remember a thing about it. That’s a big old fail in my book. - Miracle on 34th Street
I’ll pass on this one – I don’t think I’ve ever seen it all the way through. - A Charlie Brown Christmas
A. It’s the friggin’ Charlie Brown Christmas special! Even Gus in The Ref loved this one!
Seriously, though, it’s the rare case of something that’s made better for being imperfect. The amateurish line readings and the occasionally clunky animation, rather than seeming like signs of poor quality, instead give the show a wonderful hand-made feel. And of course the anti-commercialism message is even more relevant today than it was in the ’60s. I really need to pick up the DVD of this. Especially after hearing what the money-grubbing bastards at CBS did to the broadcast version this year…
Christmas At My House… (one or the other)
- Tree is fake/real?
I don’t have a tree, but my parents and Girlfriend — my tree surrogates — both have artificial ones. Most people do these days, don’t they? - Tree is under/above 4′?
My parents’ fake tree is over four feet. Anne’s is a table-top model. - Open presents Christmas Eve/Day?
When I was a kid, I was allowed to open one present on Christmas Eve… it was always a new set of pajamas, so not a big deal. These days, I open with my parents on Christmas Day, and with Anne whenever we get to it (she spends Christmas at her parents’ house). - House/entire yard is decorated?
No. I have a single string of Christmas lights on my house. They’ve been up for several years. I didn’t plug them in this year. This is not, contrary to popular belief, because I am such a scrooge. It’s mostly just that I didn’t get around to doing anything. - Amount of presents under the tree?
Usually copious, this year, not so much. - Snowman is a male/female?
Hermaphrodite. - Go for Santa/Jesus?
“Go for?” What is that supposed to mean? I assume this is another salvo in the never-ending culture war nonsense over whether Christmas is a religious or a secular holiday. Guess what, kids? It’s both. It always has been, at least in my lifetime. Christians need to drop the persecution complex and paranoia and realize that their view of the universe is still pretty dominant in this country. Nobody is trying to take your faith away from you, and you’re always free to observe Christmas in whatever way you wish. On the other hand, atheists and secular types need to chill out about the fact that a major world religion sees this as a holy day and stop being offended at the fact that the word “Christmas” has “Christ” at the front of it. You, also, can do whatever the hell you wish on this day, including putting on a DVD and ignoring it. - Homemade/delivered/takeout?
Delivery isn’t readily available in this area. I have had Chinese takeout on Christmas before. Homemade is an option, too. As I said earlier, no traditions about food here. - Bedtime is before/after midnight?
Whenever I get tired, which is usually after midnight. - Wake-up is before/after 7am?
Whenever I wake up, which seems to be in the neighborhood of 7:30 these days. - Go/don’t go to church on Christmas?
I don’t go to church on any day. Not my thing, baby. - Pray & sing Happy Birthday/do nothing before bed?
“Sing Happy Birthday?” To Jesus, I suppose. Does anyone actually do this? I’ve never heard of anyone doing this. - Do shopping before/after Thanksgiving?
After. I know it’s more practical in many ways to do it beforehand, but I simply cannot muster any enthusiasm for thinking about Christmas before the other holidays are complete. - Low-key/over-the-top decorations (inside and out)?
Let’s see: I have that one strand of lights on the house (which isn’t plugged in), I have a Santa Yoda bobblehead sitting on my TV console, and I have four Christmas cards taped around my kitchen doorframe. I’d call that fairly low-key… - Last-minute preparation or long in advance?
Which do you guys think after reading all my other answers? Last minute, of course!
Wow. That was damn long… anyone still reading? Hello? Hellloooo?
