Every region of the country has its own dialect, a collection of pronunciations, vocabulary, and so forth that are unique to that place, and Utah is no exception. But usually that dialect is confined to spoken language; with the exception of Mark Twain, no one writes words the way people actually pronounce them. So I can only assume that whoever wrote this brief paragraph about Tool Logic Survival Cards in the Salt Lake Tribune was not intentionally trying to capture the weird way Utahns flatten words that sound like “eel” into “ill”:

The 1.3-ounce Survival Card I includes a fixed serrated stainless still blade, a magnesium allow fire starter, a loud signal whistle, an 8x power lens, a compass, tweezer and toothpick.

I could be wrong, of course, since this description appears to have been lifted more or less directly from the product’s Web page, and over there the blade is said to be made of steel. Perhaps this really was an exercise in what we marketing and tech-writer types call localization, i.e., when a document’s spelling and usage is adjusted to suit the area where the document is to be published. (True story: A co-worker of mine who hails from Mississippi and Georgia and has worked very hard to rid herself of her Southern accent — she feels that it’s too often misinterpreted as a sign of low intelligence — recently thanked me for pronouncing “deal” properly, instead of like “dill”; it’s apparently one of her pet peeves about living here. I’m far more bothered by the a/o inversion myself; many Utahns, especially older and/or rural ones, would say “born” like “barn” and vice versa. I cringe when my mom talks about “hornessing the harse.”)

However, I don’t think even localization can excuse the “magnesium allow” thing. That’s just plain wrong.

For the record, this entry marks the beginning of a whole new category of entries here on Simple Tricks and Nonsense: The Bloody Red Pen, a compendium of all these dippy grammar and usage errors I seem to keep running across. If I can find a few free moments, I’ll go back and re-categorize the older such entries, so you can find all these little rants in one convenient bin. Assuming you’d have any reason to, that is…