The first summer I worked at that movie theater job I’m always yammering on about was amazing. It was amazing for a lot of reasons: I had my first “real” job, I was positively goofy about this particular girl I happened to know, and I was making friendships with a posse of guys I’m still friendly with nearly 20 years later… it was simply one of the best times of my life. But one of the biggest reasons the summer of ’89 was so great was that the movies that were running in the background of all those coming-of-age moments were great, too. I’ve never done the research, so this is entirely subjective on my part, but I can’t think of any other summertime movie season that has been so chock-full of flicks that were both (a) immensely successful and (b) so damn good (or at least so really damn enjoyable, which isn’t necessarily the same thing). The line-up for the Memorial-Day-to-Labor-Day period that year included: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Batman, Lethal Weapon 2, Dead Poets Society, The Abyss, License to Kill, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, When Harry Met Sally…, and probably a dozen more I’m not remembering right now. There were just so many titles coming out that summer that caught my — and everybody else’s — attention, and we at the theater were all so aware of what was coming up. I miss being so plugged in to the scene. Or to any scene, really. Every weekend brought some new wonder, some new zap of electric anticipation for both us theater-drones and the patrons queuing up in the lobby. It was an exciting time to be working in the movie industry, and to be a movie fan.

However, at the risk of sounding like a grumpy old curmudgeon who’s always going on about how much better things were back in his day, it’s been one long, slow downward slope ever since. I still reflexively get excited at the approach of the summer season, but year by year, summer by summer, the ratio of disappointment to awesomeness has been creeping upwards. Worse, it’s getting to the point where the upcoming releases aren’t even that interesting to begin with. (Of course, this problem isn’t confined to just the summer months; The Girlfriend and I used to go to the movies at least once a week, and sometimes two or three times, but over the last couple of years we’ve scaled back to about once a month. And it’s not because we’re all that busy — although we are — it’s mostly a function of how few flicks are coming out that we really want to see…)

Let’s examine this summer’s schedule (which officially kicks off this Friday with the release of Iron Man) and see what catches our eye, shall we?

[Ed. note: I’ve removed all the limited-release (read: art-house) stuff from this list, since those films usually don’t come to Salt Lake until weeks or months after they play the coasts anyhow. We’re talking the “tentpoles” now, kids…]

May 2 (Friday)

• Iron Man
• Made of Honor

Comic-book movies are a dime a dozen, of course, and even I am burning out on them. They’re always the same damn thing, really, origin stories and a lot of navel-gazing about power and responsibility. But I’m pretty stoked about Iron Man. I really like Robert Downey, Jr., and I’d like to see him have a taste of mainstream blockbuster success, and the movie itself looks considerably more fun in tone than most of the recent superhero flicks have been. It probably helps that Downey’s character, Tony Stark, is a glib, smart-alecky playboy instead of some broody loner or sad-sack teenager. I think this flick will start the summer off right.

Made of Honor just looks plain stupid to me. And haven’t we seen this before, under the title My Best Friend’s Wedding?

May 9 (Friday)

• Speed Racer
• What Happens in Vegas

Confession time: I’ve never seen a single minute of the old Speed Racer cartoon. When other Gen-Xers start waxing nostalgic about the Mach Five and Trixie, I can only smile and nod and wonder what the big deal was. Also, I wasn’t a big Matrix fan, so having the Wachowski Brothers brand on the big-screen version means nothing to me. The trailer looks very colorful and video-gamey and utterly incomprehensible to a non-fan. I’ll pass on this one.

I’m undecided about What Happens in Vegas, a comedy with Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz. The stars are harmless enough, and the premise seems to promise a pleasantly unremarkable evening at the movies. If nothing else is playing that I haven’t seen yet, then maybe. Otherwise, a DVD rental.

May 16 (Friday)

• The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Didn’t see the first Narnia film, haven’t read the books. Utter indifference.

May 22 (Thursday)

• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Oh yeah, baby. There’s no question I’ll be seeing this one, probably on opening day. But I’m really nervous that it’s going to suck and taint Indy fandom the same way the Star Wars prequels brought down the Holy Trilogy. Nevertheless, I’m stoked about what I’ve seen of this film so far, and I’m looking forward to seeing my old adventuring friends again. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that it will be a good time and not one of those reunions you wish you hadn’t gone to…

May 30 (Friday)

• Sex and the City: The Movie
• The Strangers

I am not at all the target audience for Sex and the City — never watched the show, don’t care, oh, and I have a penis — and I don’t know what The Strangers is.

June 6 (Friday)

• Kung Fu Panda
• The Go-Getter
• Mongol
• You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

Jack Black as a CG-animation panda bear? Well, maybe. I haven’t heard anything about The Go-Getter or Mongol, and Zohan is an automatic “no” because of the presence of the execrable Adam Sandler. Ugh. The mere sight of that beady-eyed, smirking frat-boy mug makes me want to punch someone out.

June 13 (Friday)

• The Happening
• The Incredible Hulk

The Sixth Sense was a brilliant film… and it was apparently the only one that M. Night Shyamalan had in him. Everything he’s made since has been progressively lamer until seeing his name on a poster is actually enough to make me actively not want to bother with the movie. I’ll be skipping this one unless The Girlfriend insists.

As for The Incredible Hulk, I was initially quite enthusiastic about the project because it seemed to be trying to so hard to recapture the tone of the old Bill Bixby series, but the trailer (available here) turned me off. More video-gamey CGI between nine-foot-tall creatures that move in blatant contempt of the laws of physics. What the hell are Banner’s pants made of that they can stretch to fit that giant monster when he transforms, anyhow?

June 20 (Friday)

• Get Smart
• The Love Guru
• Religulous

The first Get Smart trailer was funny and seemed to perfectly capture the humor of the original TV series. The second trailer was not funny at all. So I guess I’ll have to wait for the reviews. In addition, I really don’t get the fuss over Steve Carell.
The Love Guru stars Michael Myers, which means there’s a 50-50 chance of me either laughing my head off or walking out halfway through. (I maintain that the three Austin Powers movies combined might make a consistently funny flick, but individually are the textbook definition of the term “uneven.”)

And I don’t know what Religulous is.

June 27 (Friday)

• Wall-E
• Wanted

Pixar just rocks — even their lesser films are still better than the competition’s best — and Wall-E looks like one of their better efforts. Wanted is apparently another comic-book movie, but it’s not one I’m familiar with and I haven’t seen anything thus far that really piques my interest. We’ll see how I’m feeling come June.

July 2 (Wednesday)

• Hancock

Will Smith in a comedy about a slacker superhero sounds like a can’t-miss, but somehow I’m getting a definite “miss” vibe from this one. We’ll see what the reviews say…
July 3 (Thursday)

• The Wackness

The what now? Never heard of it…

July 11 (Friday)

• Hellboy II: The Golden Army
• Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D
• Meet Dave

I basically liked the first Hellboy, even though I had some reservations about it, so I’m up for a sequel. The gimmick of 3D is, by itself, not sufficient to interest me in yet another version of Journey to the Center of the Earth (the James Mason version will always be my preferred cinematic take on the story), and I haven’t seen anything else about it yet. And Meet Dave (a.k.a. Starship Dave) is a family-friendly comedy with Eddie Murphy. Gack. It’s hard now to believe what a sensation Eddie was in 48 Hrs and his Saturday Night Live days. What the hell happens to these guys, anyhow?

July 18 (Friday)

• The Dark Knight
• Mamma Mia!
• Space Chimps

I liked Batman Begins well enough, but I didn’t love it, if that makes sense, and I find I am similarly ambivalent about its sequel, The Dark Knight. I’ll see it, of course, just to check out the late Heath Ledger’s take on The Joker, if nothing else. But I’m not really dying to see it, like a couple of my friends are. No accounting for taste, I suppose. I enjoyed the stage version of Mamma Mia! — don’t snicker, I actually like ABBA — so I’ll see this one eventually, but maybe not until DVD. Space Chimps, on the basis of its title alone, does not appeal to me.

July 25 (Friday)

• American Teen
• Step Brothers
• The X-Files: I Want to Believe

I haven’t heard of American Teen, I’ve only seen a poster for Step Brothers, and I was never much of a fan of The X Files, so this will be a definite “meh” weekend.

August 1 (Friday)

• Chuck Palahniuk’s Choke
• Midnight Meat Train
• The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
• The Rocker

By August, the summer movie season is usually beginning to wind down. The studios have shot their big wads and are traditionally starting to roll out their crap movies, clearing the decks before the more intellectual “adult” fare arrives in the fall. Looks like this weekend is the beginning of that process for ’08.

I haven’t heard of The Rocker; Midnight Meat Train sounds bloody, gross, and stupid; and Chuck Palahniuk, like The Wachowski Brothers, is one of those names guys of a certain age are supposed to revere, but I don’t. I found Fight Club repulsive; the title alone suggests I’ll probably feel the same about Choke.

As for Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, I liked the first Mummy but loathed The Mummy Returns. Brendan Fraser is an appealing light-action hero and I’m always up for some 1930s-style high adventure, but it’s a little worrisome that there’s been so little buzz around this entry in the series. Maybe everyone is too distracted by that other high-adventure flick that’s coming out in May…

August 8 (Friday)

• Pineapple Express
• Hell Ride
• The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2

Don’t know what the first two are, and I’m not the target demo for the last one. Although I do think Amber Tamblyn is damn cute.

August 15 (Friday)

• Star Wars: The Clone Wars
• Tropic Thunder

I’m curious about The Clone Wars but not overly excited about it. The video-game styling of the CG animation does nothing for me; I much preferred the traditionally drawn art of the earlier Clone Wars series by Genndy Tartakovsky. Tropic Thunder looks promising, another welcome entry from Robert Downey, Jr., and a potentially risky one.

August 22 (Friday)

• The Accidental Husband
• Bangkok Dangerous
• House Bunny
• Towelhead (Expands Wide)
• Wild Child

Haven’t heard of any of these, and the titles don’t encourage me to seek information.

August 29 (Friday)

• Babylon A.D.
• College
• Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Same note as above… the summer season thus ends with the traditional whimper.

So, let’s run down the statistics, shall we?

Out of 47 major releases, I am excited about exactly three of them: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Iron Man, and Wall-E. I have mild interest in six more — The Dark Knight, Mamma Mia!, Hellboy 2, The Mummy, The Clone Wars, and Tropic Thunder — and I may see an additional three if the reviews are there. (The final three would be Hancock, The Incredible Hulk, and The X Files.)

That’s pretty dismal… and just one more reason for me to indulge in nostalgia. Like I need one…