Did you know that what they used to call “marital relations” is entirely dependent on the quality of what’s in your cup? No, really. Check out this “educational film” from the Folgers company:

So, let’s review: hubby is so disgusted by his morning ration of battery acid that he’s apparently decided he never wants to have sex again, at least not with his wife. (There is that veiled threat about the girls at the office and their “hot plates,” the implication obviously being that he’s ready to throw the missus over for somebody who really knows how to brew some good joe.) Fortunately, she’s not the sort to throw crockery at the jerk and move back in with her mother; instead, she wisely identifies the source of her husband’s discontent and takes steps to remediate the problem. And sure enough, by nighttime he’s all hepped up on go-juice and ready to rock her world.

Which of these two is the more foolish, the shallow man who is obviously on a caffeine-fueled emotional rollercoaster, or his doormat of a wife who’ll do anything — even turn to convenient, cheap, processed, better-living-through-modern-chemistry food substitutes — just to avoid revealing that she flunked her Home Ec class three times in a row?

Did these quaintly ridiculous ad campaigns really work back in the day? Do they even still make Folgers Crystals, and is anyone dumb enough to use them? And what would happen to this guy if he someone served him some freshly ground French-press coffee, i.e., real coffee? Based on the evidence presented here, I imagine the sexual release would probably kill everyone within five feet of the sap…