So, there’s this blog called Stuff White People Like, which is just what it sounds like: a list of things that white people supposedly like. I’m assuming it’s meant to be a spoof playing off the usual stereotype of white folks being stuffy and terminally square, like when Eddie Murphy gives the black cop grief for how he says “a banana in the tailpipe” in Beverly Hills Cop. I’m assuming that’s what it’s meant to be because, apparently, I’m one of those stuffy and terminally square white folks who doesn’t quite get the joke. I don’t see how this site is funny, and I don’t think it really represents white people in general. It appears to be addressing a very specific type of white person, i.e., the urban, upper-middle-class, liberal white folks. What we used to call yuppies, back in the day. But I’m just being churlish and running off down a tangent…
Getting to the point, somebody took the full list of entries from this blog and bolded the items that she personally liked, just to see how her preferences corresponded to the generalizations, I suppose. SamuraiFrog in turn has decided this is a good beginning for a meme, so he grabbed the list and did the same. And seeing as how I’m such a sucker for good (and really long) meme-age, now I’m doing the same as well. So, without further ado, the bolded items are the stuff this white person likes. Your mileage may — and probably does — vary…

1. Coffee
   Well, yeah, of course I like coffee. Real coffee anyway. The stuff made from actual coffee beans. Which is not to be confused with the “astronaut coffee” I drink at work. It’s also known among the coffee-drinking proofreaders as “swill” or, on particularly bad days, “molecular acid.” The best thing I can say about that stuff is that it’s free.
2. Religions their parents don’t belong to
   Meaning what? Joining a different church from the one you were raised in? Nope, haven’t done that. In fact, I don’t even attend the church my parents do belong to (of course, neither do they, not in many, many years). I don’t have a lot of use for religions in general. I don’t begrudge others their faith or beliefs — as long as they don’t try to force them on me — but I am not religious myself.
3. Film Festivals
   One of the most illustrious film festivals around — Robert Redford’s Sundance — is held right here in my own backyard, but somehow, despite all my good intentions and posturing that this will be the year, I just never make it to the thing.
4. Assists
   I don’t know nuthin’ bout no sports stuff. Moreover, I don’t care.
5. Farmer’s Markets
   I’ve enjoyed the big Farmer’s Market in Los Angeles during my visits there, but I’ve never been near my local ones, so I’ll give this a half-bolding…
6. Organic Food
   I like the idea of organic food, for various reasons, but it’s expensive and I can’t say I’ve ever been conscious of eating it. So no, I don’t suppose I can say I like it.
7. Diversity
   Sure, I like it in principle. But given the demographics of Utah, I don’t have any actual experience with it. There are people of color here, notably hispanics or latinos or whatever they’re called this week, but I honestly don’t have much interaction with them on a day-to-day basis. My own neighborhood, my place of employment, and the places I tend to hang out are lily-white to an extent that would probably shock some of my readers.
8. Barack Obama
   I like Barack. I don’t love him. I don’t think he’s the messiah or the second coming of JFK or anything like that. But I do like him and I think he’s got the better chance of beating McCain come fall. As I’ve written before.
9. Making you feel bad about not going outside
   Huh? Not sure I know what this one’s even getting at. Who is “you?” Sedentary kids? I don’t have or know any…
10. Wes Anderson Movies
    I had to look up his filmography to remind myself of what his movies even are, so I guess I don’t really care for him, do I?
11. Asian Girls
    Sure, why not? Grace Park is one of the few things I like about the new Battlestar Galactica.
12. Non-Profit Organizations
    No opinion whatsoever.
13. Tea
    Tea is good. I like it in the afternoon sometimes. Earl Grey, just like Jean-Luc Picard, with a smallish dab of our locally made, brandy-flavored monk-honey.
14. Having Black Friends
    As I child, I imagined Lando Calrissian was my friend. Does that count?
    I’m not opposed to the idea of having black friends, mind you, but, as awful as it sounds, I just honestly don’t know any black people. Refer again to <ahref=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salt_Lake_City,_Utah#Demographics”>that demographic chart.
15. Yoga
    Never tried it.
16. Gifted Children
    I was considered a gifted child back in the day, so I suppose I should say “like,” but nowadays the term strikes me as having a kind of smarmy arrogance. Saying you have a gifted child, or worse, putting a bumper sticker on your car to announce it to the whole damn world, is just another way of showing off to the neighbors. I think I’ll pass on this one…
17. Hating their Parents
    I don’t hate my parents. I am often annoyed by them, and I could generate a laundry list of mistakes I think they made while I was growing up — just like everybody else, I imagine — but what would be the point?
18. Awareness
    Of what?
19. Traveling
    Oh yeah. I really like traveling. Seeing the world is my grandest ambition…
20. Being an expert on YOUR culture
    If we’re calling our particular industry, personal interest, or hobby a culture, then sure. I groove on knowing all kinds of useless trivia about movies, for example.
21. Writers Workshops
    I took several workshop classes in college. I didn’t care for them. In fact, I found them to be counterproductive for someone who is seriously trying to find their own voice.
22. Having Two Last Names
    Meaning hyphenates? It seems a reasonable compromise for those women who don’t want to change their names just because they’ve gotten married — I’ve always thought that seemed rather unfair — but in general I neither like nor dislike hyphenated names. They’re just names.
23. Microbreweries
    Yep. I don’t drink a lot of beer these days because it’s bad for my gout — a hideous ailment, let me tell you — but when I do, I much prefer the fresh, flavorful, locally made stuff over the ubiquitous blandness of Budweiser or Coors. Besides, the irreverent names of some of our local favorites amuse me…
24. Wine
    The Girlfriend dislikes wine, we don’t have a “wine with our meals” culture in the U.S. (let alone in Utah), and it’s intimidating as hell for a novice to walk into the liquor store and be confronted with 500 different varieties, so I have very little experience with the stuff. Certainly not enough to categorically say I like or don’t like it.
25. David Sedaris
    I like his “SantaLand Diaries” and have found him amusing when I happen to catch him on NPR, but I haven’t read a lot of his stuff. I’ll give this a half-bold.
26. Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!)
    On my one visit to the Big Apple some 12 or so years ago, I found the place to be filthy, overcrowded, intimidating, exhilirating, marvelous, and beautiful. I have never felt such complete ambivalence about a place in my life. However, I have often thought I’d like to return, and I feel a certain affection for the city when I see it in movies now, so I suppose my answer on this one must be “yes.” But only for Manhattan. I didn’t make it out to Brooklyn.
27. Marathons
    Um, no.
28. Not having a TV
    Not having a TV is fine if that’s what you choose — I can’t deny that much of what’s on anymore is crap, and it frees up a lot of time if you’re not sitting in front of the box — but those militant “Kill your TV” bumper stickers make me irrationally angry. I can’t help but roll my eyes and automatically make certain assumptions about the owners of said stickers. Like, that they are pretentious stuffed-shirt twits who probably sit around moaning about the way Howdy Doody kicked off the decline of Western civilization. Ugh.
29. 80s Night
    I love the ’80. The clothes, the music, the TV and movies — it’s all my scene, baby, and I’m not too proud to admit that I feel increasingly disconnected from pop culture the farther away from that decade we get. It’s comforting to see all that stuff on the comeback right now (although it is simultaneously disheartening to learn that the music I listened to in high school is now playing on the “oldies” station, and to realize that all those kids sporting skinny ties and checkerboard Vans these days were probably conceived several years after I graduated). However, I’m assuming that “80s Night” is a reference to the themed nights at dance clubs, and I haven’t been to a dance club in 20 years, so I have to say “no” on this item.
30. Wrigley Field
    That’s a sports thing, right?
31. Snowboarding
    Despite living 20 minutes away from “The Greatest Snow on Earth” — i.e., a plethora of conveniently located ski resorts — I neither ski nor board. Guess I’m one of those sendentary kids that my elders were always trying to make feel bad about not going outside.
32. Vegan/Vegetarianism
    As with the no TV thing, if this is what you choose, fine, I’ve got no problem with it. Just don’t give me condescending looks or make little noises of disgust or try to lecture me when I tuck into a big, juicy, flame-broiled pastrami burger. Just because you guys choose to be self-flagellating ascetic killjoys doesn’t mean that everybody has to deny themselves one of the great sensual pleasures of life.
33. Marijuana
    I’ve never tried it. Never had much interest in the stuff, to be honest. I don’t have an issue with others liking it, but it just doesn’t appeal to me.
34. Architecture
    At some point, I started noticing architecture, especially the older stuff, and I became very conscious of (a) how much I like the older stuff vs. what they’re throwing up now, and (b) how rarely we bother to save older buildings. Seriously, the mentality around here seems to be “if it’s 20 years old, knock it down and start again,” and that really troubles me. It isn’t just bricks and wood and steel they haul away when a building is demolished; it’s also history and a place’s identity and about a thousand other intangibles that nobody except freaky “artistic” types like me seem to care about…
35. The Daily Show/Colbert Report
    As with so much else going on in pop culture these days, I simply don’t get these shows. I’m the only guy in the room who doesn’t get the joke, I guess. I feel the same way about The Office and Family Guy; while everybody else laughs their asses off, I stand there wondering why this is supposed to be funny…
36. Breakfast Places
    I’m a big, big fan of greasy spoons. I love the good old-fashioned cafes and diners where you can sit at the counter and drink coffee from thick white ceramic mugs and banter with a waitress who knows all the regulars by name. Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of places like that left. They’ve largely been replaced by anonymous chain restaurants and trendy spots where the wait for a table is never justified by the quality of the food or the atmosphere.
37. Renovations
    My house was built in 1928 by a farmer who used materials salvaged from another house that burned down and wasn’t entirely sure of what he was doing. Renovations are not something I like or dislike, they are simply a fact of life.
38. Arrested Development
    Another of those shows everybody gushes about that I just never got. I watched it a couple of times, found it mildly amusing, felt no compulsion to keep watching, and didn’t miss it when it was gone.
39. Netflix
    Yeah, I love me the Netflix. Unlike Hollybuster or Blockwood, Netflix has much, much more than 500 copies of the latest box-office bomb. In my experience, if it’s available on DVD, you can get it through Netflix, and I think that’s awesome. Oh, and the queue is really helpful for a guy like me, who always used to go to Hollybuster and wander up and down the aisles in a daze because he couldn’t remember the name of that one flick a coworker recommended six months ago…
40. Apple Products
    I’ve never used any Apple products, so I can’t speak for their quality or ease of use. I can say that I don’t really care for the Apple design aesthetic, which all too often strikes me as “cute.” I’m not a big fan of “cute.” I like my technology to look like, well, technology. I like buttons and toggle switches and knobs, and all the white is a big turn-off for me (too much like 2001: A Space Odyssey; as much as I’d love to have moonbases and wheel-shaped space stations and Pan-Am space shuttles, the interior design of that particular imaginary future is god-awful bland. I’d feel much more at home aboard the more industrial-style Nostromo or Serenity than the Discovery. Frank and Dave needed a few pin-ups or something…) Oh, and what is it about Apple users that so many of them feel the need to evangelize everybody else? The fervor displayed by so many Mac fans makes me extremely uncomfortable.

[Ed. note: this thing has gotten so long I’m continuing it in the next entry…]