Oh, no, not another meme! This one is Christmas-themed… you know, for a guy who so frequently self-identifies as a grinch, I seem to be doing a lot of writing about Christmas this year. Go figure. Anyway, I ganked this one from the irascible SamuraiFrog. Read on for insight into my unique holiday philosophy:

1. Favorite traditional Christmas song: Hm. Seems to me this first item is a lot more complicated than its writer probably intended. How do you define “traditional” anyway? “White Christmas” was first recorded in 1942, over 60 years ago, and while it’s definitely a classic that gets dusted off every single year, could you consider it “traditional”? Or does that label only apply to the really old stuff, the hymns and such that go back centuries? Does the song have to be religious in nature to truly be in the tradition of the holiday? A lot of Christmas songs aren’t really about Christmas at all, you know… they’re about presents or decorations or wintertime in general. Or, in the case of songs like “Let It Snow,” they’re about sex. Which I guess most songs really are, when you think about it. “Let It Snow” qualifies the subject a bit; it’s about sex in the wintertime. Which is a good time for it, because it’s cold outside and there’s really nothing else to do when you’re cooped up in the house and there’s nothing on TV and the DSL is out so you can’t even get on the Internet… Sorry. Got distracted there for a second. I know I’m being pedantic and needlessly silly and I should just get to the point and pick one. Okay, fine: “Silent Night.” I’m not a religious man, but I like the peacefulness of this one, especially on a night when the snow is falling and the whole world seems to be muffled and sleeping.
2. Favorite contemporary or modern Christmas song: And here we go again with the definitions. I suppose this category is easier to pin down, since every year well-meaning songwriters and musicians pump out all-new Christmas songs that they hope will join the pantheon with “White Christmas” and Nat King Cole’s “Christmas Song.” The only problem is that most of them suck. Or at least aren’t terribly memorable. But if you really pressure me… I heard Dolly Parton’s “Hard Candy Christmas” the other day and thought what a nice little tune it was. In a melancholy sort of way. Which seems to be how I like ’em, according to last year’s list of my favorite Christmas songs.
3. Christmas song that makes you cry: Oddly enough, considering that I’m not a religious guy and I generally hate nonsense lyrics like “pa rum pum pum pum”, “The Little Drummer Boy” often gets to me. Especially Bob Seger’s version of it. Don’t know why, but there’s something about that bit right at the end, “I played my drum for Him/I played my best for Him.” It’s just so damn… earnest.
4. Real or artificial tree: Tree? Who has time to set up a tree? Okay, seriously, I think they both have advantages. I love the smell and general aesthetic of a real tree, but obviously they’re messy, highly flammable, and you’re killing a healthy living thing every year if you go this route. Many of the fake ones are pretty realistic-looking these days — unlike my family’s first artificial tree, which looked like it was made of pipe-cleaners sprayed with lime paint — but there’s always something just a little… off about them. I don’t ever take the trouble to set up a tree in my own house, but I guess if I did I’d choose the artificial one for convenience sake; however, I’d inevitably complain about the phoniness of it… unless it was one of the retro aluminum ones, of course. Those are cool precisely because they don’t look like real trees.
5. Favorite Christmas edible treat: Oh, I’m pretty positive on all the seasonal treats — fudge, divinity, fancy cookies, cakes, pastries, Jell-o salads, whatever. They’re all good. In a related note, The Girlfriend made her very first fruitcake this year, and it was coincidentally also the first time I’ve ever tasted the stuff. I quite liked it. I don’t understand why these things have such a bad reputation…
6. White lights or multi-colored: Multi. White is fine, but the trend around here the last few years has been to all-white, and I’m tired of that look.
7. How many Christmas parties will you go to this year: At least three (my company party, The Girlfriend’s company party, and The Usual Suspects’ annual exercise in debauchery). Anyone else care to invite us?
8. Favorite act of kindness to perform during this season: I can’t think of any specific act that I perform every year — certainly I don’t get involved in any organized charity — but I’ve been known to give change to the Salvation Army bell ringers and bring canned goods in for the office food drives.
9. Favorite sounds of Christmas: The silence that descends over the valley in the late afternoon of Christmas Eve as people head for home and huddle down with their loved ones.
10. Favorite things to wear: My fur-lined “cousin Eddie” hat with the earflaps. Hey, cold weather is really harsh when your hairline is as, ahem, mature as mine.
11. Favorite Christmas movie/TV special: I covered my fave Christmas movies a couple years back and I don’t want to revisit them right now. (Although I would add another title — Bad Santa — to the list. Yes, it’s crass, vulgar, and guaranteed to offend just about everybody, but it’s also damn funny, heartwarming in its own strange way, and one of the most honest depictions of alcoholism I’ve ever seen. The insightful script and Billy Bob Thornton’s spot-on performance perfectly capture how habitual drunks are like two separate people, and the human one is never quite able to undo the damage caused by the monstrous one. This one grows on me a little more every time I see it.) So, turning to the small screen, I, like every other thirtysomething raised on annual re-runs of the classic specials of the ’60s, enjoy A Charlie Brown Christmas and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (although there’s a lot of very strange stuff going on in Rudolph, if you think about it). However, the best of them all is another Rankin-Bass production called Santa Claus is Coming to Town. That’s the Santa origin story, in which young, red-haired(!) Kris Kringle has to Thunderdome with the stingy spoilsport Burgermeister Meisterburger for the right to give surplus elven toys to impoverished kids. It’s a lot more fun and a lot less weird than Rudolph, IMO, and the cast is amazing: Fred Astaire as the narrating mailman, Mickey Rooney play Kris, and the immortal voice artist Paul Frees as Burgermeister. (Frees did a lot of work for Disney in the ’50s and ’60s, including the narration for the Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion rides at Disneyland.) How can you go wrong with a cast like that?
12. Eggnog or hot chocolate: Like ’em both, but nog hasn’t fully agreed with me that last couple of times I’ve had it, so I guess chocolate wins for .
13. Favorite Christmas book: Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris.
14. Christmas books on my “to read” list: A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.
15. Peppermint or cinnamon: Either. Although a shot of peppermint schnapps in a mug of hot chocolate is very nice this time of year.
16. What’s on the top of your tree: Tree? Who has time to… oh, wait, we covered that already…
    Like I said, I don’t have a tree myself, and my mother has varying her tree-toppers the last few years, but when I was growing up, it was always this weird glass ornament that kind of looked like a Space Age church steeple: a tapering cylinder with three or four spherical swellings along its length, finally ending in a needle-thin point. I hope that thing is still around somewhere; I haven’t seen it in a while…
17. Traditional Christmas meal growing up: I don’t recall that we ever had a specific meal every Christmas, although Mom has occasionally done the traditional ham or turkey. It seems like there was one year when Dad fired up the backyard grill and we had bacon cheeseburgers, though I may be imagining that one.
18. Online shopping or traditional “go to the store” shopping: Both, although I seem to do more and more of it online with each passing year. The “in person” shopping experience seems to more closely resemble one of the street scenes from Soylent Green with each passing year…
19. Something you received as a Christmas gift as a child that you still have: My Kenner Millennium Falcon. I even still have the box!
20. How many Christmas cards you have mailed so far: None… and it’s not looking good for getting any out this year, either. It’s been that kind of year, despite my good intentions.
21. Favorite source for Christmas ideas: Um… my brain? That’s where I get most of my ideas from…
22. Coordinated/themed or hodge-podge tree decorations: Tree? Who has time… oh, forget it. The joke’s wearing thin. When I was a kid, Mom would typically coordinate as far as the color of tinsel and the “basic” ornaments, but then there were always some random ornaments that went on as well, just because somebody liked them.
23. What’s on the top of YOUR Christmas wishlist: Well, my ultimate wish would be a Nikon d80 DSLR with a Nikkor 18-200mm VR zoom lens. But considering that no one’s likely to get me a $1200 Christmas gift, I’ll go with the Blade Runner Four-Disc Collector’s Edition DVD set.
24. Roles you’ve played in Christmas plays/programs: I don’t recall ever being in a Christmas play or program. I’ve never been much of a joiner.
25. Wrapping paper or gift bags: Whatever The Girlfriend feels like using when she wraps gifts for me. 🙂
26. When do you put up the tree: Again, I don’t put up a tree for just myself. Mom usually does it a week or so after Thanksgiving, although there’s never a set day.
27. When do you take the tree down: Mom usually takes it down sometime after New Years Day. I think the record was the year she left it up until nearly Valentine’s Day.
28. Do you have a nativity scene: I don’t myself, but Mom’s got one that means a lot to her, and by extension to me. The figurines are nothing remarkable, just a cheap ceramic set bought in the mid-60s, early in my parents’ marriage. What makes it special is the manger: it’s a cardboard box, cut up and glued back together in a proper manger shape by my father and then coated in glued-on straw. The way Mom tells the story, she arrived home from work one evening and found Dad — who has never been much of a Christmas fan, at least not in my memory — sitting at the kitchen table with a box cutter and bottle of glue. He built the thing as a surprise for her, and it has been carefully kept and annually displayed — with some occasional refurbishing work — ever since.