Following a link from Scalzi’s AOL Journal brought me to this page, which contained the following list of 25 Signs That, Sadly, You’ve Grown Up:
- Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
- Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
- You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
- You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
- You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
- Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
- You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff”.
- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
- “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
- You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.
Now, as you may know from reading this blog recently, I am rather sensitive to this whole growing older/growing up thing. Fortunately, I can see that four of these signs do not yet apply to me, so, according to the 25th Sign, I have saved my sorry old ass. Yippee! I’m not grown up yet!
(I’ll leave it to the imaginations of my Three Loyal Readers to determine which items do not apply…)
1. “Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.” This is true, but I doubt it was ever untrue.
2. “You hear your favorite song on an elevator.” I think “Jessie’s Girl” has not yet made it to the muzak list.
3. “You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.” Your folks are now the damn kids next door. The Bennion Compound rocks from dusk ’til dawn.
4. “You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.” You will never lost the pub spirit, and Guinness in a can/bottle just won’t do.
Am I right?
Cranky Robert
Actually, I was thinking of the following:
1. “You keep more food than beer in the fridge.” My fridge contains a package of lunch meat, a couple apples, a brick of cheese… and a Squatters Pub/Wasatch Brewery Summer Sampler Pack. That’s 24 bottles of beer to four or five other items, so mathematically, beer outweighs food.
2. “Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up.'” Considering the crap that Anne and I routinely see people wearing to the theater, jeans and a sweater are a big step up.
3. “You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.” I can eat breakfast food at any time, and I’ll never be too old for cold pizza first thing in the morning.
4. “You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.” Shadow would become very sulky if I came home with a Big Mac and didn’t share with him…
But you make a number of good points, especially the one about Guinness. Looks like I’m even less grown up than I feared!
Boy, was I wrong! But I’m glad to hear that Shadow gets his Micky-D’s. Who knows what diseases lurk in the hearts of hamburgers?
Not my Shadow — his guts are made of iron!