I haven’t been hip to the teen-movie genre since about the time Molly Ringwald started sending out college applications. By “teen movie,” I don’t mean the occasional sex farce like American Pie or nostalgic coming-of-age films that are obviously intended for adult viewers, such as Dazed and Confused or Almost Famous. No, when I say “teen movie,” I’m talking about movies that are targeted squarely at the teenage demographic, which feature young actors that kids like but adults don’t recognize, and which focus, by and large, on topics that only teenagers care about. In other words, movies like those the aforementioned Ms. Ringwald was making during her heyday — and my own teenaged years — back in the 1980s.
The Brat Pack and their patron writer/director John Hughes long ago receded into the pop-cultural rear-view, but I have noticed that films similar to theirs still come out every so often, usually on about a four-year cycle to coincide (or so I believe) with each new crop of high-school freshmen. But I haven’t seen any of those more recent teen flicks myself. I’ve missed entire careers because I’m now too damn old to identify with the idealized romantic shenanigans of people young enough to be my own kids.

How, then, did I come to see the film John Tucker Must Die on Sunday afternoon instead of something more appropriate to my age and interests (like, say, Miami Vice)? Blame The Girlfriend, who hosted her thirteen-year-old niece over the weekend and enlisted my help in showing The Kid a good time.

I’ll be honest, I probably wasn’t very diplomatic when The Kid told us what she’d like to see. Visions of myself clutching my head in boredom and shame for the next 90 minutes sparkled through my brain. Seriously, they sparkled. I think I may have groaned audibly. Certainly, I must’ve gotten a disappointed expression on my face. I opened my mouth to suggest that The Kid might actually like Miami Vice — I loved the original TV series when I was only slightly older than her, and everyone knows that girls mature more quickly than boys — but one look from The Girlfriend was enough to make me close my mouth without making so much as a peep. That look said, “No, I am not taking my impressionable young niece to an R-rated film about two morally conflicted cops who are so deep undercover with the scum of the earth that they start to lose sight of who and what they really are. As cool as that may sound. Because her mother would kill all three of us. And The Kid doesn’t have any interest in remakes of old TV shows from before she was even conceived anyhow.” Seriously, Anne managed to say all of that with a single glance. It was most impressive. And you just can’t argue with that sort of logic.
Which means I valiantly sat through all 90 minutes of John Tucker Must Die, a movie about a high-school “player” whose three favorite concubines realize that he’s two-timing — er, three-timing — them and decide to gain their revenge by utterly humiliating him. When he somehow manages to make personal triumphs out of embarassing traumas that would devastate lesser boys into Unabombers and future Dr. Phil guests, they decide that what they need to do is show him what it’s like to have his heart broken. And for that they’ll need to transform our protagonist, a mousy (but cute) nobody, into a femme fatale.

Not the most original plotline in the world, but you know what? It really wasn’t a bad movie. Oh, I don’t plan to buy the DVD or anything, but I did laugh a few times and I cared enough about the characters to want to see how it ended, which is more than I expected to do and a lot more than I get from many of my “grown-up” films these days. But even more unexpected was how educational this film turned out to be. Seriously, I learned a lot from watching John Tucker Must Die. So much that I decided to make a list. And here it is:

Ten Things I Learned from Seeing John Tucker Must Die

1. High-school cliques exist in vacuums, completely isolated from all the other cliques.
   You see, Tucker’s three women had absolutely no idea that he was dating the other two, or anybody else, because they came from different cliques. You had the cheerleader, the vegan activist/slut, and the reporter from the school’s in-house TV news program. You’d think the reporter, at least, would have some notion of what was going on with the others since it’s kind of her job to have a feel for her “street.” Maybe she wasn’t very good at her job. Or maybe things have changed from my days in school, when even the lowliest of the low had a pretty good idea of who was dating whom, especially when the daters in question were among the popular kids.
2. Teenage girls cannot function without cell phones.
   An obvious one, I suppose, but brilliantly illustrated by the scene in which the three conspirators find themselves adrift in a small boat without an engine, an oar, or — the horror! — a signal! Cue the screams! Yep, they’re screaming… (If the movie didn’t provide enough evidence for this lesson, there’s also the fact that The Kid took three calls during the movie — much to my chagrin, because I routinely berate people whose phones ring during my movies.)
3. Estrogen makes you act like an idiot. You know, because of PMS. Or something
   One attempt at revenge involves slipping JT some estrogen in his protein supplements. He develops sensitive nipples, emotional fragility, and a tendency toward irrational tantrums. Wow, that’s really an empowering message for the young ladies in the audience, isn’t it?
4. Insecure but secretly cool, sensitive, intellectual-type kids listen to ’80s music.
   Well, duh.
5. Straightening your hair makes you hot but superficial.
   An oldie but a goodie, seen in countless films that include an “ugly duckling” plotline. Because you’ve never seen a hot girl with wavy hair, right? And because no girl with long straight hair could be “deep,” right?
6. Modern high schools have better electronic gear than most professional videographers.
   The girls in the film use a variety of high-tech toys during their schemes, including a tiny bra-mounted camera (the “boob cam”) and a handheld wireless monitor, and the school’s TV “newsroom” is fancier than my local Fox affiliate’s. Dang spoiled kids these days. We never even had an in-school TV channel when I was a teenager, let alone boob cams…
7. Rich kids are much richer than they used to be.
   In the Molly Ringwald classic Sixteen Candles, dreamboat Jake’s parents are rich, as evidenced by the big house where he lived and the Porsche that he drove. But he was a virtual pauper compared to John Tucker, whose rave-style birthday bash in the film’s climax makes Jake’s big party look like four guys standing around in the garage splitting a sixer of Keystone Light. I never even got invited to the pathetic Keystone events, let alone Jake-style parties… dang spoiled kids these days…
8. Pretty much all teens these days are hot, even the extras.
   Even though his leads were always reasonably attractive, John Hughes always had a few dorky-looking kids hanging around in the background of his movies, just for realism. Not so in John Tucker’s high school, where the only overweight or less-than-cute people in sight are teachers and one fat kid who, naturally enough, is the basketball team mascot.
9. Fat kids are now beloved members of school society.
   You’d think that a student body composed almost exclusively of thin, attractive people would be brutally intolerant of the lone case of obesity that exists among them. Certainly that’s how it would’ve been at my high school back in the Wild West days of 1986. But not in John Tucker’s high school. Here the lone fat kid is a valued member of the team and one of John Tucker’s good friends. Of course, it probably helps that he’s funny and black, because these factors enable his peers to overlook his shortcomings. I suspect he wouldn’t be so beloved if he was a sullen white fat kid…

Hm. Okay, so it looks I only learned nine things from John Tucker Must Die. Still, valuable information and an insightful look into the secret world of modern teens. Things certainly have changed since my day… dang kids these days don’t know how easy they’ve got it…