I am like Switzerland when it comes to the eternal grudge-match between cat people and dog people: officially neutral and trying to be everyone’s friend. Or at least no one’s enemy. I’ve owned both of common varieties of four-legged companion mammals, as well as rabbits, horses, cows, a pair of pocket parrots, and an extremely territorial one-footed duck, and I’ve loved them all. Cats and dogs obviously have very different personalities, but I find neither to be superior than the other. They are merely different.

Of course, cats do have a slightly sinister quality. Read on to see what I mean…

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DAILY DIARY:

 

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

 

9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!

 

9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Ate some crap…Delicious!

 

10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I’m in love!

 

12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!

 

1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!

 

3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters…they’re the best! I’ll wag my tail in joy.

 

4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I’m bouncing off the walls!

 

5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!

 

7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!

 

8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!

 

11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master’s bed! Life is soooooooo great!

 

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DAILY DIARY:

 

Day 683 of My Captivity:

 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

 

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.

 

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ”good little hunter” I am. The audacity!! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow– but at the top of the stairs.

 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released — and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe… for now…

[For the record, I didn’t write this. It arrived in my morning e-mail and I found it amusing enough that I wanted to share with my three loyal readers. Of course, two of you have already seen it, but still…]