I haven’t been following the Alito confirmation hearings very closely — I figure the outcome is pretty much inevitable unless Alito admits to drinking kitten smoothies or something — but I have caught bits and pieces of them in the car on my way to and from the train station. Frankly, I’m amazed — nay, disgusted — by the sheer pointlessness of them. What exactly is Congress accomplishing with this week-long exhalation of hot air? Judge Alito is obviously following the example set by every SCOTUS nominee since Bork, which is to say absolutely nothing at all that might tell us what he really thinks. Meanwhile, stymied by their inability to get the man to admit he enjoys a nice kitten smoothie every once in a while, Democrats preface each of the questions they know will go unanswered with interminable speeches (the contents of which I agree with in principle, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re really boring and, under the current circumstances, useless gestures). Republicans then overcompensate by falling all over themselves in displays of dewy-eyed fawning that would’ve embarassed even Monica Lewinsky during her beret-wearing days. (Utah’s own Orrin Hatch is particularly irksome in this department. I cringe every time he opens his mouth.) It’s all nothing more than an overly elaborate ritual that does no one any good.

You know what I’d like to hear? I’d like to hear Alito say, “Senator Kennedy, I am a conservative judge who was nominated by a conservative president, so, yes, I do happen to think Roe v. Wade was a bad decision and I hope I get the opportunity to overturn it. Duh. Also, I think kitten smoothies are delicious and refreshing. Duh again.”

To which I’d like to hear Teddy Kennedy reply, “Thank you for your candor, Judge. I, as a liberal Congressman, disagree with your positions on both Roe and blended feline beverages, so I plan to vote against your confirmation.”

Followed by Orrin Hatch saying, “It doesn’t really matter what you think, Ted, since my boys outnumber your boys. Bwa ha ha! But thanks for telling us how you feel about it.”

This hypothetical exchange wouldn’t tell anyone anything they haven’t already figured out, but it would be a refreshing burst of civilized honesty in a society that seems to have lost its ability to say things plainly.

Since I raised the subject, let me speak plainly: I’m not happy about Alito, because I suspect that he’s a pretty hard-core conservative under his oh-so-bland exterior, and the last thing I want to see is the Supreme Court becoming more conservative at a time when the other branches of our federal government are already overwhelmingly so. But did anyone really expect anything else given what’s gone on in the last few years? Did anyone in Congress really think George W. Bush would nominate anyone who wasn’t a hard-core conservative? Do we really need to ask a thousand boring philosophical and hypothetical questions (which, of course, will be bluntly evaded by the nominee) in order to figure out what kind of a man G.W. sent to the Hill? Of course not… so why are we bothering? Is it simply because the Dems know they don’t have the power to block his confirmation so they have to put on a show of defiance, just on principle? That’s probably a large part of it. But this particular show is a huge waste of time, and I think it ought to be cancelled.

For the record, I’m not suggesting that the Democrats just roll over and confirm anyone Bush wants to install in office. They should feel free to vote against anyone they don’t care for, just as the Republicans would vote against a gay Communist nominee. But the current process of non-disclosure is a joke. I’m with Senator Biden — just debate the nominee’s statements and qualifications on the floor and don’t even bother to haul him (or her) into committee. Spare us all this numbing non-spectacle that masquerades as something important…