Ah, Saturday morning. Blessed Saturday morning. You know how I know I’ve been spending too much time at the office lately? Because cutting my lawn — an obligatory chore I usually perform only grudgingly — was actually kind of pleasant this week.

You know what else is kind of pleasant? Making lists and doing memes. Yeah, I know I was bitching yesterday about how I’ve only been able to do memes and photos lately instead of writing real blog entries — whatever those may be — but you know what? I like doing memes, and I’m in a better mood today.

Once again, this is a meme I borrowed from SamuraiFrog, who seems to be finding all the best meme-age lately. In this one, you go to a particular website and enter your birthday to find out what the Number One song was that day, according to Billboard, for every year you’ve been alive. Commentary is apparently not required, but you know me…
One brief proviso: I haven’t paid much attention to popular music in years, not since Cobain and all those other throat-singing, flannel-clad mopes from Seattle turned rock into a dirge and hip-hop claimed ascendency on the pop charts. Which means I don’t recognize many of these titles until we get back quite a few years. Yeah, I know, I’m an old fart. For the record, I’m listening to Janis Joplin as I type this, so take from that what you will.

Anyhow:

THE 2000s

2007 … “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” by Soulja Boy Tell’em

Right out of the gate, I must display my old-man-ish ignorance of the noise those damn kids call music these days. I expected no less.

2006 … “SexyBack” by Justin Timberlake

I know who Justin Timberlake is, thanks to the ubiquitous checkout-stand tabloid, but I wouldn’t recognize this song if you threw your iPod at me. (You know, that joke worked a lot better back in the days when you could say “threw the record at me.” Stupid progress…)

2005 … “Gold Digger” by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx

Jamie Foxx sings? When he’s not playing Ray Charles in a movie, that is?

2004 … “Goodies” by Ciara featuring Petey Pablo

Not a clue…

2003 … “Shake Ya Tailfeather” by Nelly, P. Diddy & Murphy Lee

I’m guessing this song has no relation no to the Ray Charles/Blues Brothers tune…

2002 … “Dilemma” by Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland

Don’t know this one.

2001 … “Fallin'” by Alicia Keys

Or this one.

2000 … “Music” by Madonna

Ah, finally. I know this song. I like this song. It’s slick and superficial, but very, very catchy, just like all of Madonna’s best-known music. It was the last time I paid any attention whatsoever to “Madge,” as I understand she’s now called by those in the know.

THE 1990s

1999 … “Unpretty” by TLC

Back into the realm of ignorance…

1998 … “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith

I like the sentiment of this song, but it was so overplayed that I’m still sick of it, and also I think Stephen Tyler’s voice is much better suited for straight-ahead rockers than ballads. Still, it’s one of those tunes that can instantly transport you back to a given time and place.

1997 … “Honey” by Mariah Carey

All Mariah Carey songs sound the same to me, and I’ve always disliked that hypersonic squeaking thing she does.

1996 … “Macarena [Bayside Boys Mix]” by Los Del Rio

Another one that quickly wore out its welcome, but again, it transports me to a certain time. There’s a lot of background to this one, but briefly, my mother and her friends loved this song and couldn’t stop themselves from dancing along when it was played at their classic car-club gatherings, and it always made me happy to see her so happy. So… youthful. The song still makes me smile because of that memory.

1995 … “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio featuring L.V.

Don’t know it, and the title strongly suggests I wouldn’t like it. I hate that “gangsta” crap that’s infested our culture. Pull up your pants, kids!

1994 … “I’ll Make Love to You” by Boyz II Men

I can’t recall this specific tune, but I remember that Boys II Men were one of a whole movement in mid-90s music that I despised, supposedly soulful and romantic love ballads that all sounded needy and oddly chaste to my ear. Seriously, it seems like romantic music became unbelievably wussified in the ’90s. I much prefer the earthier, genuinely passionate soul music of the ’60s and ’70s.

1993 … “Dreamlover” by Mariah Carey

See “Honey” above…

1992 … “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men

More Boys II Men. Grand.

1991 … “I Adore Mi Amor” by Color Me Badd

Color you wussy, you mean. Another group in the same bland vein as Boys II Men.

1990 … “(Can’t Live Without Your) Love and Affection” by Nelson

Hm. Sounds familiar. If it’s the song I think I’m remembering, then I kinda liked it, but it obviously failed to make a big impact on me.

THE 1980s

1989 … “Don’t Wanna Lose You” by Gloria Estefan

Ugh. I never understood the popularity of Gloria Estefan. I can’t think of a single song of hers that doesn’t grate on my ear.

1988 … “Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns N’ Roses

I like the first two-thirds of this one. I like the first two-thirds of just about every Guns N’ Roses song, but the obligatory hard-rock guitar solos always seem to go on too long, and I end up getting bored or outright irritated.

1987 … “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You” by Michael Jackson with Siedah Garrett

I recently picked up the 25th anniversary CD release of Thriller, which I think is just plain brilliant and still a lot of fun to listen to today, but I honestly have no clue of what Michael did following that album. Well, musically speaking, at least…

1986 … “Stuck with You” by Huey Lewis & the News

I went through a period of thinking Huey Lewis was pretty awesome — I still think he and the News are really fabulous at the nostalgic, a capella, street-corner-style harmonizing, and “I Want a New Drug” is one of the catchiest rock and roll songs of the decade — but I never understood the success of this cutesy little fluff tune, and I’m still really tired of it, even after all these years.

1985 … “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits

Oh, yeah, now we’re getting into my music. Overplayed, yes, but still a great tune, with a catchy hook and some excellent “crunchy” guitar (I don’t know what else to call it, but the guitar in this song is the sound that really does it for me). The video is a classic, too, and still fun to watch today in spite of the primitive CGI and the now-inscrutable notion that anyone would “want their MTV.” Trust me, kids, back in the day, back when it actually consisted of music instead of lame-o reality shows, MTV was really cool.

1984 … “What’s Love Got to Do with It” by Tina Turner

Ah, Tina… the very definition of “classy dame.” Great pipes, great legs, and an amazingly resilient spirit. I love this woman. One of my greatest regrets of the past decade is that I cheaped out instead of just sucking up the high ticket prices and going to see her during her farewell tour.

1983 … “Maniac” by Michael Sembello

A dumb song, but it’s so very 1983. You want to time-travel for a few seconds a la Christopher Reeve in Somewhere in Time? Just cue up this song and think of Jennifer Beals…

1982 … “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” by Chicago

Man… I have such a tangled history with Chicago. Back in 1982, I was a big fan. I saw them live at least once — maybe twice, I don’t remember — and the albums 16 and 17 were standards on my personal playlist (although my fave Chicago tunes from this era were actually “Love Me Tomorrow” and “Along Comes a Woman”). But then came the dark summer of 1990, when I was still bleeding from a bad break-up and the greatest-hits CD was spinning non-stop over the PA system at the movie theater where I worked. For weeks on end I listened to this collection of broken-heart songs, over and over and over. There finally came a day when I just couldn’t take it anymore, and that particular CD met a fate that’s best left unrevealed. I’ve never been able to stand Chicago since then.

1981 … “Endless Love” by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie

Ugh. A sap-fest song from a movie no one even remembers anymore. My mom always liked this one. I myself… did not.

1980 … “Upside Down” by Diana Ross

This one’s okay. Once again, Mom liked this song — my mom’s always liked a good dance tune — and I thought it was catchy.

THE 1970s

1979 … “My Sharona” by The Knack

Oh yeah. Who of my generation doesn’t feel their pulse quicken a bit at the first few indelibly familiar notes of this, the greatest song ever written about statutory rape?

1978 … “Boogie Oogie Oogie” by A Taste of Honey

Um, no. I get a nice nostalgic glow from a lot of vintage disco music, but this one makes my eyelids twitch.

1977 … “I Just Want to Be Your Everything” by Andy Gibb

An inoffensive trifle that sounds like the times in which it was recorded. I wouldn’t seek this one out, but I wouldn’t change the channel, either.

1976 … “Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry

It’s so ridiculous, so much a product of its time, so very, very Seventies… surely it was already a self-parody when it was new… and yet, I cannot change the radio station when it plays…

1975 … “Fame” by David Bowie

I’ve never been a big Bowie fan — a lot of his stuff strikes me as either hopelessly pretentious or just plain weird — but this song is another that brings back happy memories, thanks to its 1990 resurgence after being used in the Pretty Woman soundtrack. (The Chicago disc was gone by then and I was beginning to put myself back together…)

1974 … “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe” by Barry White

Now this is how a romantic song is supposed to be done. Boys II Men, Color Me Badd, and all of those other emasculated whiny-boys from the mid-90s couldn’t bring Barry a towel to mop his exquisite forehead, let alone compete in the wooing department. Raw sexuality, baby…

1973 … “Delta Dawn” by Helen Reddy

I prefer Tanya Tucker’s version. Helen Reddy’s a little too wholesome for my tastes.

1972 … “Black & White” by Three Dog Night

Good song from a band that seems oddly overlooked these days. Do you know how many hits they had back in the day? And every one of them is still listenable today…

1971 … “Go Away Little Girl” by Donny Osmond

The Osmonds are practically royalty here in my homestate, and Donny, in particular, is a favorite son, so I can’t say anything too negative about him, even if he’s not exactly to my taste. I think I like how he performs this song more than the song itself, if that makes sense. See, Donny is a fiftysomething guy with grown children, but his fans still want to hear the teenie-bopper hits he recorded when he was just a kid. He happily indulges them with a good bit of self-deprecation, and generally comes across as a nice guy who can’t believe anyone still wants to hear this stuff.

1970 … “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Diana Ross

A classic, plain and simple. Love this one.

THE 1960s

1969 … “Sugar, Sugar” by The Archies

And finally, a dumb but amiable tune that always sounds to me like the last summer before you hit puberty, back when the most pressing matters on your mind was how Spider-Man was going to escape his latest cliffhanger and whether the Sev would have any new Slurpee flavors or if you’d have to settle for boring old banana again. Yeah, those were the days…